Stupidity is rampant

I really hate it when people say their baby was "unexpected" or an "accident" or have a ton of kids really close together without praying about it and just say they guess that's what Heavenly Father wanted to have happen! Seriously people if you don't have sex you can't make babies! Simple as that! And I know that there are certain families that have lots of kids close together after PRAYERFUL consideration and PLANNING because for one reason or another that was what was part of the plan for their lives! To do it any other way is prideful and irresponsible! I made a bad choice of whom I had my kids with so I know the pain and regret that can come with not having Heavenly Father's help and guidance in this process!!! Now my greatest wish is to be able to have a second chance and have a family with an amazing worthy priesthood holder that can be the father to my kids that their dad never was! But, I am not blessed with that right now so I just have to have faith and try not to shoot people that are soooo flippin stupid about their choices like I once was!

Much Better

Today was sooo much better than last night! I had a really good night at work cuz my buddy Cade was working and he always comes and talks to me for a bit and then I was working on a puzzle they had out and that made the time go by soooooo fast!
I only got 3 1/2 hours of sleep but I wasn't tired at church AT ALL!! Such a huge blessing! And I got to take the Sacrament again which is something I always took for granted before but the promises and blessings are so wonderful and I am so thankful! The talks and lessons were great and then we went to choir and Hannah's friend Gina was there so they played pretty quietly while we sang. I got asked to give the closing prayer in Relief Society and after choir and I didn't have to politely decline this time! So awesome I can't get over it!! I also read some awesome scriptures on faith that were in the book of Alma in the book of Mormon that really helped me get through my depression about being a divorced single mom and not having a lot of hope for a future husband. I am trying to remember every time I have doubts that I was promised "him" in a blessing given to me by a worthy priesthood holder and that Heavenly Father will prompt me if necessary to be a certain place if that needs to happen that way or He can prompt someone to set me up on a date with someone they know in order for us to meet. The possibilities are infinite because His power is infinite as is His love for his children and I'm sure my future spouse is praying for me too :)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SOOO not fair! But then again life really is never fair is it? So, one of my high school friends is getting married again, didn't tell me at all, is having an open house in SLC that I found out about because of a post on his sister's FB page! How lame is that? And this is coming from a guy that said he would never get married again, wanted to mess around instead but not willing to date (rejected that loser idea) so that's just another slap in the face! ARG! I know I am trying to process this under period hormones and emotions so none of this is rational but it doesn't make it hurt any less. So, now the wedding count is up to 3 people I am close to and 3 people I know who are happily married and pregnant. Carolyn's count for anything that is not stressful but just pure happiness: a big fat ZERO! I am really trying to have faith that those things will happen for me again and maybe this is just another test to see if I will lose my faith because everyone around me is getting everything I want out of life?! I am going to work really hard on that whole faith thing cuz I am really lacking it right now! I can't help but wonder how on earth I will ever even date let alone find someone worth marrying and if I do will I be too old to have the children I keep feeling are waiting to come to my family? K a faithful person would say at this point that it's in the Lord's hands cuz I am doing everything I am supposed to do: I am going to church, I went through the repentance process and am worthy now, I read my scriptures, say my prayers (constantly), and try and teach my children what is right and true. So, after that, it's no longer up to me! Heavenly Father knows I can't go to a single's ward, can't go to single's activities cuz I work nearly every night that they have them, and I have a precious few friends cuz no one wants to hang out with a single mom. So, there ya have it! By all logical reason, I will never get married again! But, perhaps, Heavenly Father will be able to work through someone I know in order to make things happen cuz I have no other options! Of course I don't want to take more time away from the kids to date but maybe they will forgive me if I can get them a great Dad cuz of it? :)

More Updates...

Jon and Morgan are officially married! Sooo happy for them! They were just goofy happy all day! I have never seen Jon so perfectly happy so it made it that much better! The St. George temple is stunning and beautiful as well so it just added to the beautiful and spiritual feeling of the day. My job was to watch Lizzie and Tyler while Karen and Nate were in the temple. I have to admit I was a lil nervous cuz I know my kids can get their kids all riled up but all of my and other's prayers were answered and all of them behaved VERY well! Such a huge blessing on such a special day! I really wish I would have been able to go to the ceremony but I am thankful that I was able to watch the kids cuz no one else was available to be able to help watch them so it worked better that way! The reception was fun and a bit more laid back feel to it but it was beautifully decorated with white table clothes and chair covers with blue bows on the back. The cake was pretty odd with the bride and groom figures but it's what they wanted so it works! They also had dancing which was way fun!! I will definitely copy that when I get married again! It will be one big party for sure!!

Updates...

So Halloween was a blast and the kids had a great time! We went trick or treating with Kare, Nate, Lizzie, and Tyler around their neighborhood and Deanna, Allison, and Jen came too and ALL of us dressed up so it was even more fun!! As you can see in the pic, Hannah was a witch and Isaac was a skeleton :) The kids got a lot of candy and had a great time! I also got to meet my friend's brother and his wife and most of their kids. This is the friend from my CNA class that is dating my nephew and they are most likely going to get married in January! Matchmaker Carolyn!!

Awesomeness!

Had a great time tonight with Karen and Nate and their kiddos and Michelle and her kiddos! We went up in Provo Canyon to Timanogos park (I think) and had a picnic and let the kids run around and then went back to the Pusey's and the kids decorated pumpkin shaped sugar cookies. Karen gave a great lesson on eternal families and we all had a wonderful time! I really am grateful for my wonderful family! They are awesome! Frustrating sometimes but I know we all have each other's back always!! I really think that if everyone had good solid families like ours, there would be far less problems in the world. But, you have to factor in the whole Satan thing and free agency and that's when ya get messes but it would still be great!
So trying not to care so much about the whole wedding thing and so far it's workin pretty well! I have completely given up on ever being a bride's maid because I realized that I totally missed out on those life experiences that allow girls to form those close bonds that make them bride's maids. I didn't go to a regular college, I don't live in the same town I grew up in and I hate dumb girls that think the world revolves around stupid boys! So, that pretty much kicks me out of every bride's maid category ever!! So, I refuse to do anything wedding related for anyone unless they specifically ask me (which they won't)! I, in turn, if I ever get married, will do everything myself because too many people get their feelings hurt over stupid wedding stuff and it's just not worth it. If we do have a wedding party and he wants to have groom's men then I will just pick whomever I happen to be associating with at the time and Deanna will be my matron of honor cuz she is the only that actually gets me all the time and has always treated me like a sister instead of a kid. And there ya have it! Still sucks being rejected for that job though and not even having any prospect of dating right now so it's more a problem of jealousy right now than anything else.

Time Is Flying

It is amazing to me that I have already worked at the care center for a month! Feels like just a couple of weeks! I really am very comfortable with my job now and the people I work with are great! Some are a lil on the lazy side of course but I catch myself becoming that way also! One of the awesome girls at work just got a job with IHC. I am totally jealous but she has worked at the care center for over a year so she has definitely put in her dues! I just hope that after I have a year's experience I can get on with the medical powerhouse myself. I can do so much more and go farther in my career once I am working for them and they will also help pay for school so I can get my RN. Every job I apply for with them though I feel like I'm not going to get so I am going to try doing some positive thinking so that I'm putting out good energy!!

Strange Things...

I think the whole lack of sleep is really starting to mess with my head a lot! I really don't know what day it is anymore and time is passing sooo quickly that it's just flat out weird!
I have been working at the care center for almost a month now! Crazy I know! It has had its ups and downs as with any job of course. There are some great people that work there though and that makes it fun and I'm sure as I get to know people better it will be even better to pass my time there :). I really don't want to work there forever and couldn't afford to work there forever but it will work until I can land a great job with an IHC facility! That's the goal for now anyway since they will do tuition reimbursement so I can get my RN cheaper than trying to pay for it myself. I am getting really anxious to get started on it though so I might start checking into the Weber State on-line program cuz that is something I could totally handle rather than trying to find time to go to a class and taking that much more time away from my kids. So, I think I'm gonna look into that and possibly get the ball rolling. I kept feeling like now wasn't the time to start that but I think I was just afraid that I would be unsuccessful because of my past failures at UVU but had a huge success at Ameritech and MATC when I was taking classes in the medical field! So, since I know what I want to do and my success at the general ed classes will determine if I get in the RN program I think I will do MUCH better! So here we go!!!

Slacker

Each time I work, I see these people that are obese and can't walk very well and have tons of health problems and it really motivates me to do something other than sit on my behind all day. But then I get home and for some reason am completely exhausted and totally unmotivated! Then I try and get ready for work and I have a ton of cute scrubs that I can't even wear anymore cuz they are too tight but I don't want to give in and buy more in the larger sizes cuz I really want to lose the weight but I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place :(
I can make a positive step in the right direction with how I eat though. I am going to start taking carrots to work cuz they are crunchy and will keep me awake and they have like 15 calories for 30 of the baby carrots or something like that. And, although I went a little extreme last time, that's how I lost a ton of weight when I first got divorced so I know it will help. I also need to have a lean protein so that my blood sugar doesn't get low and it will be a better way to lose the weight then just eating carrots for lunch every day!
I still haven't had any pop since the beginning of May so that is great for me! I really really crave it sometimes but have no idea how my stomach will react after the gastritis so I don't mess with it at all!

Pity Party

It is amazing to me how negative thoughts just feed off each other until you are in a full blown pity party! I really don't know what started the Negative Nelly Train but I am having a hard time derailing it! It could have been feeling incompetent while trying to fill my tire with more air and not being very successful, or it could have been my apartment getting completely trashed every hour or two with the kids home, or the lack of money that I have and lack of hours at work to compensate for that deficit, or the fact that I'm still single without any hope of getting married ever again while my nephew is getting married in 2 months and my sister is pregnant (2 things I want badly), or it could be that I need a new windshield on my car and an oil change that I don't have money for, or it could be that I am obese and can't seem to do a dang thing about it cuz something always comes up to cause more stress so I don't eat well or exercise cuz I'm depressed and that makes me tired ALL the time! Wow! What a whiner I am! So, now I am going to counteract the negativity and try and get some sense of control in a world where I have NO control over anything but my response! It is a great thing that I was able to get a job because I only have 7 months experience! I may not have the hours I need yet but I can talk to people tomorrow at work and see how that can be remedied. I can find comfort in things besides food like family and friends and escaping in a movie for a lil bit. I am a good person no matter what my size is, the only reason I need to lose this weight is so I can be healthy and not get diabeties or a heart condition or cancer (since all 3 run in my family). I can get help from my family in order to get all the stuff done for my car cuz they love me and love to help and I would do anything for them! As far as the guy thing goes, I am putting that completely in Heavenly Father's hands cuz there isn't anything I can do about that except be worthy to receive the blessing cuz I can't go to the singles ward or activities cuz of the kids so there ya have it! So, in other words, I can be in control by taking steps to solve the problems that arise in my life EVERY DANG DAY! The situation doesn't control me or how I deal with it and there isn't just one way to deal with it, there are always alternatives like my Mom taught me :)

Yikes!

Wow isn't it amazing how you can read something someone wrote to you over 3 years ago and still get all riled up about it? I just had to email my ex to notify him of the daycare changes because it says so in my divorce decree. He is a very smooth manipulator and I had forgotten that fact. I looked up the last time that we emailed and it was almost exactly a year ago with absolutely no communication in between. And before that it was 5 months before and it was another insincere attempt to disrupt the kids' lives. He really is one of the most selfish individuals EVER! He sends me an email usually once a year saying that he wants to see them but NEVER follows through with it thankfully since Isaac doesn't even know him! He never calls, writes, sends cards, sends birthday cards or presents, or sends Christmas cards or presents and he hasn't seen them in 5 years all by his choice!!! I pray that I will meet a wonderful man soon who can be the father to the kids that they have never had but always wanted and be an actual husband to me before Hannah gets old enough to get curious and want to see him. I know it will only end in heartbreak for her and that sweet girl has been through too much as it is she doesn't need more crap to wade through!! Geeze even thinking about him makes me aggitated and feeling insecure like I did when I was married to him! I have come so far I will NEVER go back to the way I was because I refuse to do so! I have been through hell and back again and literally have scars to prove it! I have learned who I am and that I can be strong and stand up to jerks now and not back down! I have been through one of the hardest times of my life these past 7 months with no support from him and very little monetary support so I know I can get through whatever trial I have to go through with the ex! I REALLY wish I had the money right now to just be done with him so I would NEVER have to worry about him coming into my life ever again!

And So It Begins...

Started training for the new job today and found out I will be in the Alzheimer and Dementia lock-down unit... lil nervous about that not gonna lie but it should be a good thing! I am where I am supposed to be and where I am needed most right now! Positive energy!
I am also excited to have the time to be able to work on some projects at home that I have really been wanting to finish! I am going to sort through all the kids' toys out in the storage shed and bring in some for the kids to play with since they have been really good about keeping their room clean! And, I am going to organize our bookshelves cuz they are all a mess right now, and I am going to finish the blanket I started to crochet over 5 years ago!! Time to get that bad boy done!!

Good Things Do Come To Those Who Wait and Wait and Wait

Well it finally happened!! I got a job!! I started calling care centers on the 17th and found a few that were hiring for the graveyard shift so while my good friend Brooke watched the kids for me, I went to one in Orem and filled out the application and then tried to find the one in American Fork to fill out the app. and couldn't find it! I almost gave up and on the way to the highway entrance I knew of in PG, I found it! So I went in, filled out the app. and went back to Orem to collect the children. The next day, I got a call to set up an interview for Friday! That went very well and we even talked a lil about the firing issue! She said she would be giving my papers to the lady that is in charge of hiring and I should hear back from her the next week. Well, by Wednesday the 24th I still hadn't heard from anyone so I called them on the premise of asking some questions about benefits and the lady who was supposed to call me answered the phone instead and set up a 2nd interview for the 25th. That interview went even better and she even said she 'had to admit I like you' and that she would let me know the next day her decision because she had a couple more interviews the next morning and if I didn't hear from her to call her by 3. Well, I hopped in the shower around 1:00 to get ready to go pick up the kids and while I was in there she called my cell and left a message. So, when I called her back, she offered me the job!! It will be the graveyard shift which works out perfectly cuz I have someone that is willing to come sleep here so there is someone here for the kids, and then I will come home and take the kids to school, and then sleep while they are at school and be able to be with them until they go to bed!! SWEET DEAL!!! I feel so extremely blessed right now it is unreal! I was so worried that it would be another repeat of trying to get an MA job and no one would hire me but Heavenly Father blessed me to be able to be in the right place at the right time ( the graveyard shift opened up the day of my interview) and now I will be working in a great facility run by great LDS people!! So excited!!!
And, now that I am not stressing about finding a job, I am very hopeful that this flippin weight will finally come off! Seriously getting frustrated with it cuz I drink a ton of water, get exercise, and really don't eat poorly anymore and I'm still not losing any more and have actually gained 5 pounds back! Grr!! So, that is my new project to focus on is to lose weight finally and be able to fit into my size 18 clothes by October! 5 weeks away and I have about 6 inches to lose around my waist before that can happen so we'll see how it goes but I am very optimistic since my stress level is going down substantially!!

I don't wanna!

I really want to stomp my foot and yell I don't wanna! Been one of those days today and not too optimistic for tomorrow! But, thankfully tomorrow is the LAST day that my kids will ever come to work with me (while I work that is)! Then they start school on Tuesday!! WOOT WOOT!!! Ever since Hannah started school it really hasn't been that big of a deal for me but since they have had to come to work with me every day for the past 2 months, I am SUPER excited that they will never have to do that again! And, my hours will prolly be cut way back cuz of school starting I'm sure she won't have enough work for me for 4 hours a day so, I will be able to spend that much more time job hunting! So, although it will suck for the paycheck, I am excited to be able to have so much kid-free time to be able to go fill out applications and hopefully score some interviews :) I really do hope that I get the job I interviewed for on Friday but I am not planning on anything going that smoothly but then again maybe because I have actually been trying to do what I should be doing for a change, I might be blessed to have something go that smoothly for a change!! We'll see :)
Got to hold a super cute lil baby today! Really made me miss when Hannah and Isaac were that little and actually l0ved their Mommy and didn't fight or yell or kick or scream or destroy the house! I do love that they can talk sometimes and I do really love that Hannah actually does talk to me about the big stuff, I just wish that things were more under control in our lives so that they could have a non-zombie Mom and some stability and a schedule!! Thankfully, with school they will have a schedule and structure and we can get in some good habits for their schooling!! Optimism right??!!

Family Pic

This cute pic was taken by my amazing photographer brother-in-law Nate Pusey and as soon as I get the rest I will post some more :) Oh and check out the rest of his shots at nateworks.com!!

:P

Well, I passed both my state exams and actually got a 95% on the written exam so I am officially a CNA :) Hopefully not another worthless acronym next to my name but we'll see if I can get a flippin job! I did have a great interview on Friday with a care center in Pleasant Grove and hopefully will hear back from them this upcoming week. It looks like a great facility and the lady that interviewed me was great and easy to talk to and said my answers were great and that she was going to pass my resume etc on to the lady that actually is in charge of hiring. I am just praying that this will be it and I can finally have a full time job with benefits and be able to provide for my family without state assistance or family help. Don't get me wrong I am extremely grateful for the help that I have gotten but I desperately want to do this on my own! I guess it's a selfish pride thing and that's why I have been humbled many times because I haven't accepted the fact that I can never do anything on my own that I need my Heavenly Father for all things and my family here on earth as well!
I have been really struggling lately with a ton of jealousy issues. My niece got married yesterday and didn't invite the majority of the family. I hate not being a part of things cuz I always think that means that they don't like me and I enjoy being liked but it's not as necessary as it used to be. My nephew from that same family is dating a girl I met in my CNA class that I hooked him up with (cuz I have skills lol j/k had almost nothing to do with me) and, another nephew just announced his engagement to a super great girl! I am super jealous of their happiness and weddings that I never get to be a part of and it just sucks! I really don't know how to get over this one! I want my own big wedding to a fantastic guy that is my own personal brand of Prince Charming and I honestly don't know how that is EVER going to happen! But, I guess I just need to turn that over to Heavenly Father cuz the only thing I can do about it is get my status in the church reinstated and get going to the temple as often as I can get a babysitter and get a great job so that I know once again that I can do this whole single parent thing and that I am not required to have a man in my life in order to be happy!!

Another One Bites the Dust

Can't believe that the summer is almost over! So crazy how fast time flies when you run around like a chicken with your head cut off! I was really worreid that last week would go by painfully slow but it actually went by at a perfect pace. Probably due to the fact that I was at work 5-7 hours a day doing mostly nothing. I would get some chores done and then there was nothing left to do so I would hang out with the lil girl and watch Dora over and over again! But, it made her happy having someone watch it with her so I am more than happy to do so!
Anyhoo, I get to take my state tests on Tuesday so that is super exciting! On Monday I am having some friends over to practice our skills and study for the written exam so that will be fun and then after therapy on Tuesday I am driving up to school with my lab partner and we are gonna rock the tests!! Well, just pass them would be great! Unfortunately I won't find out for a whole week if I passed or not so I may have to wait to apply for the jobs that require the CNA not just passing the class. But, I can still apply at the nursing homes and most home health care facilities in the mean time. I am really trying to have faith that I will get a great full time job with benefits very soon so that I can get the kids all settled before school starts on the 23rd.
Still feeling all settled and peaceful about my life so far so I am hoping that this is a new trend for me lol. I have really taken the time to feel my feelings about things but then just let it go so that it isn't hurting me anymore. I also had a very weird dream about the psycho boss that fired me in December. In the dream we were at a grocery store and were just shopping and chatting like two friends. I was leery of her in the dream but still played along and ended up feeling like a huge burden had been lifted from me! Super awesome experience! Hopefully that was my psychie's way of letting me know that I am ok to forgive her and myself for what happened and just learn from it and never flip out about any injustices on either party's part!

Always Thinking...

Yes thinking constantly can be a bad thing sometimes! Especially if it isn't exactly productive thinking or just the kind that the same thoughts run around and around in your head without any destination other than the land of irritating!
Anyhoo, I am feeling very anxious since school has ended because I am back to just trying to find a job. Quite a few of the jobs I've tried to apply for want you to have your state certification already and I can't get mine until I test on the 2nd, and I am working full time this week so I am kind of at a stand-still that way which sucks. But it's a blessing in disguise that I am working full time this week cuz it will keep me busy until I do get my certification so I need to think of it positively! I really have been focusing on the negative so much lately that I am really making an effort (idea from Deanna) to change my attitude. I don't really notice my thoughts as much as I notice my feelings and my speech. I have realized that I complain a lot when I finally get to talk to someone and so when I was on the phone with my wonderful Mother, I pointed out all the positive things about today rather than dwell on the negative. It really made me feel soooo much better! Hopefully this new habit will continue so I can be calmer and much happier!
Speaking of good feelings, on Saturday I might be going to my friend Brooke's single adult ward activity! She has a lot of older singles in the ward but not too old so they would be in the 31+ catagory but around my age so I thought I'd give it a try. I just need to remember confidence and that I am happy no matter what comes my way but I'd love to get some dates out of it lol but that's not likely until people get to know me so it will be a great start! Well, the kids are cranky so I am off to put us all to bed!

Grad Party!

My sister Karen surprised me with a lil graduation celebration for tonight! It was tons of fun! We went to Chili's with Mom and Dad and then they took me to the last Harry Potter movie :) Haven't been to a movie in a VERY long time or out to eat at Chili's for a long time either so it was great being able to not only get out of the house without the kids but to also enjoy time with sweet supportive family and get to see a great flic!
I got a lot accomplished in the apartment today! The living room is now really clean except the book shelves and I need to clean the carpets and the kitchen is about 90% gorgeous! I got 3 loads of laundry washed, folded, and put away and I got both the kids' DVD's and my DVD's organized. Oh and I finished a book I've been reading for like 2 weeks now cuz I have no free time lol.
So next week I will be working full time all week. Everyone in my family tries to get me to think positively about it and comment on how great it will be for the extra income but they don't know how hard it is to even get out of bed to go to work anymore. I still love the work I do with the lil girl but having the two older kids and mom home all day and make mess after mess with no intention of cleaning it is getting so ridiculous I can't stand it! To make matters worse, I had my first asthma attack on Thursday night after trying to run outside with the kids around 9:00pm when it had finally cooled off. I was able to get it under control thanks to Mom and then the next morning after being at work for 2 hours, I could hardly breathe and was coughing and sneezing and it sucked!! So, I think the cat dander is to blame for that but I can't have them lock up the cat for 8 hours a day while I'm there! Plus I have to do laundry which is the room the cat is in most of the time! I guess I just need to get a blessing from Dad tomorrow when we go down for dinner cuz I literally don't know how to handle this!

The Grande Finale

So my CNA class is finally over. I am both extatic and depressed about this. I am sad because that class had a ton of awesome people in it that I will really miss socializing with and there were a couple of people in it that I would be totally great with never seeing them again in my life :). Anyhoo, I learned a lot and am very hopeful of getting a full-time job now but we'll see how it goes!
My stress levels are still sky high despite all major efforts so I think I need to step up my game and not do the avoidance technique and that will help a lot. I need to really push myself this week to get more applications in and get my freakin apartment super clean so when I come home from a long day I'm not looking around at all the crap I need to get done!
So, I text the guy I was dating in June, just to say hi and kind of try and smooth things over. It worked! We were very nice to one another and got caught up on all the goings on etc it was great. He even admitted that he missed me and that his saying that he didn't think we should see each other anymore was an over-reaction to both of us having a bad day. That got me thinking if I would date him again and my answer this week would be yes cuz I am way lonely and he made me feel fantastic at first. And I wonder if things have really changed enough in my life for me to be able to date right now or if it's still just too crazy but then I think that it's always going to be crazy but I do need to be able to cope with things better so we'll see where that gets me :D
My Mom told me this morning that it would be a lot easier if I could get a job down there and move down there :) I would love Springville but I love Orem so much more and I really don't want to move all the way down there. But it would be good for me to be closer to Mom and Dad and my niece etc. Guess we'll see how that turns out too lol

And Here We Go Again.....

Last night's clinical went well after Forest Gump went home sick and then I got a semi-good CNA. Other than trying to leave a sheet on the bed that a resident had urinated on, she did great! The only problem is, is that at clinicals at the same time each night we only get to practice certain skills so there are many things on our lil checklists that I didn't get done because they are morning activities. Oh well, that's what studying is all about and I can always practice on the kids :)
On a side note, I lost another 2 pounds so since May 2011, I have lost 13 pounds!!!! WOOT WOOT!!! Yup dang proud of myself! My boss got the gastric sleeve surgery done so she is now literally missing 2/3 of her stomach so she has lost like 20 somethin pounds but mine has been from good old fashioned diet and exercise!! Feels sooooo much better being able to say that then having tried some fad diet or even worse surgery!!

Woo Hoo!!!

I lost another pound!! Sooo excited that things are actually paying off! I am not doing any exercise during the week though so I think if I start doing yoga like I planned that will help me sleep better and will burn more calories! But good news is that since I started tracking my weight in February, I am down one pound! Sounds bad but I actually went up 9 pounds from the February weight and lost all of that plus 1 pound!! Yea for not being able to eat greasy hamburgers or greasy french fries or drink soda pop! I actually drink close to 64 oz of water or juice every day and I am going to get back on my diuretic for my blood pressure so that will help flush things out too :) So, overall, I think things are going great with that goal!
Job-wise I am going to start applying to every freaking nursing home and hospital in Utah county so that when I graduate I will hopefully have a job lined up and then I will take my state exam on August 2nd and hopefully rock it so I can get my state certification right away and be able to have a great job instead of the one that I like and hate at the same time :) Although I am kinda scared about having to take on all my financial responsibilities again and worried I won't be able to do it! But I am sure since I have been paying tithing and keeping the commandments that Heavenly Father will bless me with everything I need :)
FAITH!!!!!!!

Alrighty Then :P

I have aced two tests in the past two days! Awesome!! Don't know how I did it but I did! Woo hoo!! I am feeling more confident in my skills so I think I will do well on the tests but I found out today that we won't even get to test until August 2nd!!! I was sooooooo mad cuz I need to get a job right away not wait 5000 more years! I am hoping that I will be able to get one contingent on me passing the exam since I am already a CMA but we'll see how good my powers of persuasion are!
Haven't had any major life-threatening drama today other than all of my babysitters for tomorrow leaving for the day! But, I got everything worked out so it will be all good :D hmmm might actually be able to go to bed at a decent hour tonight! Awesome for being so tired you can't help but relax :)

Motivation Motivation Wherefore Art Thou?

I really have no desire to go to work or my dentist appt today. I don't want to do work cuz my ankle still hurts from Saturday and I just don't want to deal with my kids there even though it will be for less time today. I don't want to go to the dentist cuz he is going to give a recommendation on if I need a root canal or just a filling cuz my regular dentist couldn't decide so he sent me to a specialist :/. Not such a big fan of either situation so I am trying to delay the inevitable and it's just stressing me out.
Oh and last night the guy I mentioned in the previous post was being super immature about things so I don't feel so bad about my behavior. I did apologize to him Sunday night in a text so I covered my bases so no harm no foul but he was all ticked at one phrase in my text: I am truly glad it's over. There was an explaination for my behavior and an apology in that text as well but a day latter that was the phrase that he was all hurt by and HE IS THE ONE THAT BROKE UP WITH ME!! Doesn't make any sense what-so-ever!! It was really upsetting me last night but I talked things out with a great friend and realized he is just still playing the manipulating game and that he is just like all the other guys I have dated! LAME!! So, that scrubs song by TLC is going to be my new motto with dating lol

DOH!!!

So, I realized tonight that I can be a super hormonal idiot sometimes! A guy broke up with me that I was SUPER done dating anyway and yet somehow I'm all bitter about it and didn't want to talk to him AT ALL at the concert tonight. Not only is he in my sister's ward, he is in the choir that two of my sisters and my mom are in. So, I go to the concert tonight secretly praying that he won't be there or if he does go that he will not talk to me at all. HA! I have never been that lucky in my life! He walked right up to me and gave me a half hug cuz I was sitting down and asked how I was doing. I gave him a slight hug back and said great thanks how are you? to which he replied that he was good etc etc. I have no idea why I acted so childish tonight. He wouldn't tell me why he broke up with me so I have been ticked off about that and ticked off that I was rejected by the guy who is a giant loser! Super stupid and hormonal no? YES!!! Grrr I hate it when I get that way and yet don't want to let it go for some reason. Maybe I was waiting to see if he was going to act like a childish dork and that's what I was prepared for. But no, he was totally fine with no regrets and talking to my family like they were all good friends. Part of me is feeling really mature right now and wants my family to give him the cold shoulder too but that wouldn't be Christlike at all so I am stuck with totally invalidated feelings even from myself! ARG! I mean I could list a ton of reasons why I didn't want to go out with him and his reasons are probably very hurtful so that's most likely why he didn't want to say why. There that feels a little better! So, just like I spared his ego by me not breaking up with him, he spared my feelings by not telling me why he broke up with me :) Feeling better now!

Goals- Step One

This morning I am going to go to the gym with Karen and all our kids will be in the gym daycare :) and I will be starting my regimen to get in shape and train to run the 5K's with Karen next summer!! Now that I have a specific goal in mind I think it will be much easier to do the things I need to in order to accomplish my goal. For example, the gym session today that should have been happening at least 5 times a week for the past 2 years I've had my membership!! And I will also start doing yoga after class during the week so help me relax. I do a lot of heavy lifting during the week with work so I think I will be ok to not do weight lifting on top of it all but I do need the cardio to start burning more fat faster. And, I feel totally motivated about eating better as well so I think I will see some good results pretty fast which is great since I need to get a job when school is done! Well, here we go!!!

Whew!

Very pleased that class is out until Tuesday and we have a clinical that night so only two classes next week!! SUPER BONUS!! Class was really good tonight talked about death and dying and then reviewed our skills for our CNA exam which was very helpful.
Work was pretty darn hard today. I was sneezing my head off and couldn't catch my breath, got in trouble for something the family could have easily taken care of, and the kids were getting yelled at by one of the kids at the house. So, overall grade for today's experience would prolly be a C-. The few things that didn't make it an F- were that the lil girl I work with was in a great mood, I got all my work done by 11 and got to leave, and I didn't get fired :D I just really need to find a way to be happy while I am there again it's just really hard with stressing about the kids etc. So, as soon as I find out how much the state will pay I can try and get them into a daycare that can bus them in the fall. And, if I get the job I want then they would just have to watch them in the morning and an hour on Mondays for the early out day! That would be awesome! Anyhoo, that's the next plan after I find out what they will do, hopefully on Tuesday. But, until then my super sweet wonderful parents and sister are helping me out. So, for now, not having to have the kids at work with me will be great and I'm sure it will help my stress level at work. :)
Well, I think I shall try and get some great sleep tonight and have a FANTASTIC day tomorrow!!

AHHH!!!

So I thought I had babysitting all worked out for the kids for school this week and then I found out that our Clinical for tomorrow doesn't end until 9:30 which means I would be back down to Orem by 9:50-10:00!!! Way late for my sweet visiting teacher so I now have to find someone that doesn't have plans on a freakin WEDNESDAY night and could watch them from like 8-10! Grrr! A couple of the sweet girls I carpool with asked their sisters if they could do that and unfortunately they can't and I asked a niece if she could but she made a LAME excuse to not help me out so now I am going through a list of everyone I could possibly think of and there aren't many who could so I am just going to have to pray super freaking hard that someone can come through for me cuz I have to get this done so I can get a freaking job to support my family! ARG why are there so many obsticles in the way when you're trying to do something good?? Why can't things just go smoothly for once? I feel like I am constantly in the war zone just waiting for the next bomb to go off!!
And this just in; my nephew is going to watch them for me! SAVED!!! I seriously hope and pray that that sweet boy will get heaped on with blessings!!
Now I just have to try and remember all the things I've learned in class so far so I can convincingly do it on unsuspecting patients tomorrow lol!

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

Interesting day today so far. I woke up feeling like I was going to be in major trouble about something but nothing so far so that's awesome! I had so much to do at work that I didn't even get all of it done which is great cuz then I have tons to do tomorrow!! When I got home I grabbed a quick shower and ate lunch while trying to get things resolved with DWS and Medicaid. Oh and I got some homework done during that as well lol. The kids have been pretty good today and the kids at work were great! Now if I can just pass my midterm life will be beautiful!!!

Wowzers!!!

Holy crazy batman! Yeah I've probably said it a million times but life has been insane again! I started school on June 13th to become a CNA because I still couldn't get a job as a CMA. It is an accelerated course through MATC so I will be done July 20th and hopefully test very very soon after that. I go Monday-Thursday from 5-9 pm so I have been blessed enough to have awesome friends, family, and ward members that have pitched in and have been babysitting the kids for me without monetary compensation! I pray that Heavenly Father will pour out tons and tons of blessings on them for their amazing sacrifices and service! I have also been blessed with amazing class members for school! They are a blast to be with and learn from and with! A few of us even carpool so I only have to drive up there once a week!
I am still working as a Respite Care Worker and love working with the little girl with Rett Syndrome but could do without the antics of her family but am thankful I have a job at all!! Anyhoo, after school got out I started working from 8-12 every day then come home and do homework and spend time with the kids then have to leave for school at 4:15 :( no bueno!
At the beginning of May, I went home early from work cuz my stomach was in pretty severe pain and after an emergency room visit, and an office visit to my Dr the next day, I found out I had gastritis from all the stress I've been under. So, they put me on a very restricted diet and a super heavy antacid and things are going pretty well now. I still can't have milk or anything greasy or spicy but I can eat more than just chicken and bread and water now! But, as a result of the super strict diet, I have lost (and kept off) 8 pounds so far. I know I would have lost more if I couldn't have chocolate still lol. Anyhoo, it's a step in the right direction and I'm very proud of myself! Now if I can just keep the stress at bay and not consume sweets I will be droppin the pounds left and right! I am doing much better about drinking water too so that's helped a lot!
At the end of May I started dating a guy from my sister's ward. It started out great and I felt peace and safety and was having a great time. Then, slowly but surely he got more and more annoying and rude but I also found out he had a very low self-esteem so I knew it would not be good if I broke up with him so I was trying to figure out a way to let him down easy. Turns out I didn't have to worry about that cuz he broke things off with me on Saturday night in a text message. Real winner!! Anyhoo, gave me a lot to think about on how I keep ending up with the same type of guy when they seem so different at first. And, it made me realize that I need to set a higher standard for the guys that I date so that a lot of this drama can be avoided :) That's the plan anyway :)
Well, that's about it for now so I will try and post more soon :)

Here We Go Again!

I have decided, after some very well said advice, to go back to therapy to fix the inside me so that I can work on the outside me easier. I still have some serious issues or I would not end up with the same kind of guy every time. Yes they all look different and have some things that are fantastic and some things that really really suck about them but bottom line they weren't good enough for me in one way or another. That's not to say that I am conceited or prideful, I just am not willing to put up with certain things and instead of recognizing their faults before I date them, I magically think that somehow I am enough to motivate them to change and then when I'm not I get all depressed about it and that is LAME! Anyhoo, so I want to get my wiring all straightened out so that I can finally accept the love of a fantastic man wherever he may be, and have a full and happy life! I know it will not be without trials and lil hiccups along the way but with the right man by my side I can accomplish anything that life throws us! I can do that on my own as well but it's kinda lonely lol. So, it starts on Wednesday so we'll see how it goes!!!
As far as my other goals are concerned things are rough right now but I need to just take it an hour at a time. Any farther in the future than that and I want to cry so that's all I can do and I'm sure I will accomplish so much more!
Well, here's to a brighter tomorrow and a happier me!!!

Wowzers

So many much things have happened as of late. Hannah was baptized on April 9th which is also my sister Karen's birthday. Then on the 10th I found mold climbing up my wall in my bedroom when I was trying to change my sheets :( So, Nate (Karen's husband) came over and looked at it and decided it was not safe for the kids to be in the apt until it was fixed and let us come stay with them. So we spent the week at their house which was also spring break for the kids. So, I took them to work with me for a few days and had them go to daycare during one of my shifts one day and yeah. Also, Monday night, Karen and Mom took me out to dinner and we had a good long talk at Macaroni Grill which resulted in me breaking up with Paul on Tuesday :( I still debate that decision all the time because I care deeply about him but some of his habits are not desirable in a husband :( So, I haven't had him back over since the 10th and that's been really hard on me and the kids and he finally admitted it was hard on him too. Was starting to doubt his feelings cuz it seemed so easy for him to make the separation.
Anyhoo, this past week was nuts! we had dinner at Mom and Dad's on Monday night cuz Dad had surgery on his foot so we brought them down some pizza lol and then Tuesday night Karen invited us over for dinner after I took the kids to the dentist and the grocery store. Wednesday I stayed home after picking up the kids cuz I didn't want to deal with the world. Thursday I had to sub at the daycare and then we had dinner at Karen and Nate's again and then we had parent teacher conferences for both kids. Friday I had an interview at a ped's office that I just handed them my resume in December and then I subbed at the daycare and then we had a celebration dinner at Deanna's for Aaron's graduation from BYU. Tonight we have girl's night at Judy's and then we are spending the night at Mom and Dad's and then will all go together to hear Karen sing in church tomorrow. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Too crazy!! So, as far as my goals are concerned, I am still looking for a job, I worked out on Tuesday, and I have an appointment with Karen's old therapist on this coming Wednesday and I am subbing at the daycare all week next week so that will be some added income and Paul made his first repayment so that will be more income to make things last a lil longer until I can get a dang job!

Today was the first day in 4 days that I haven't felt like I was gonna puke all day so I clearly haven't done well with the diet and exercise stuff but at least I don't feel like death completely. I did work a 10 hour day today so I think that counts for some exercise :) I also could have eaten better but alas I made some bad choices that made my belly happy so its all good! I will definitely improve as time goes on as long as I am aware of what I am doing and acknowledging when I do wrong I will improve :D I just need to not get down on myself and really put forth a solid effort and I can indeed accomplish my goals :)

Alrighty Then

Started the "diet" today... kinda bombed :( I did make myself eggs and toast for breakfast so that was good and I drank a ton of water today and no pop so those were awesome accomplishments! I didn't eat a good lunch and the dinner was actually probably pretty good for me :) Lunch is being excused by the fact that I was at the daycare and couldn't eat their lunch and had to grab something on the way to the daycare from my other job so there :P lol
Anyhoo, tomorrow I will still drink more water and that will help a lot and I will exercise when I get home from work so I can take a shower, pick up Isaac from school and then apply for jobs before I pick up Hannah. Then the rest of the day can be spent reading with the kids and then playing outside if it's nice :) There, now that I have a plan hopefully that will help me not procrastinate and be lazy lol...
Well, as far as job hunt goes, I found a few leads this weekend so I am going to apply to those tomorrow and am still waiting to hear back from an interview I had on the 24th of March but this company is notorious for taking their sweet time. So, in the mean time I will continue to apply for other jobs. I just really really need to get this boat movin cuz I am going nuts at my job now and really need to be able to support myself and my kids and get a great place to live :) So, for now I will just keep pluggin away and not give up and something will happen!!
Love life is going well also. The family finally met the boyfriend Paul :) So far the comments have been that he is really nice and my friends that met him on Friday said the same so I think it's going well per public opinion :) The rest of the family will meet him on Saturday at Hannah's baptism. Which reminds me that my Mom and I are going shopping for Hannah's dress after school so I need to hit the hay and I won't be able to do the reading/playing with the kids thing lol Dad and Isaac will just be hanging out... lol hope they have fun!
~Until Next Time....

Ugh

I just realized that I always want to start a new thought with : "So,..." lol fun times! Anyhoo, I got the Jillan Michael's Ripped in 30 program that has a diet on-line to go with the work out program so as soon as Mother Nature decides to stop being a beast, I am going to start that program! I am way excited and would start it now except I would probably die! :) So, I am going to give my body a lil break and then give it a good boot-camp-butt-whooping! I figured if I follow it closely and get a few pounds worth of results then it will be sufficient motivation to keep going and get rid of my chub!
I have also been trying to make progress with my family in helping them to realize that I am a full-on adult! Yeah news flash! I'm almost 30! Somehow this has not translated into Carolyn can make her own choices! So, hopefully with them finding out that I am in a relationship with an absolutely amazing guy, they will realize that good or bad it's my life and I have to live it and choose what is best for me and my kids! Paul (my hunny-bunny) is a wonderful man and truly loves me and the kids! He is kind and smart and funny and loves many of the same things I do! He isn't LDS however so this will cause a major uproar in the family. They want me to be perfect lil Molly-Mormon and marry the perfect man in the temple for time and all eternity... Cuz that worked sooooo well the first time! LOL!!! Paul is actually a much better man than a lot of guys out there and is the perfect guy for me and the kids. He will be an amazing father and has already helped me in that area. I feel like I have an actual partner in raising the kids not just me on my own with someone loitering. I never felt like their dad really participated in any of their care willingly so this is a pleasant change. I am just so worried that they are going to judge him solely on his looks and his religious status instead of how he treats us which is by far more important to me! Besides the fact that we are just dating and not announcing our marriage! Grrr! I need to stop acting like a petulant child and then they will stop treating me like one lol!

ummmm really?

So I have temporarily put my weight loss goal on hold until I get the program I ordered on amazon. I justified that trivial amount of money because it will indeed help me to get my lazy behind in shape! I also purchased some Spanish books to aid in learning the language which will make me more marketable for jobs. Speaking of jobs, still no full-time work but I am really working hard to stay optimistic and not give up cuz I can't give up! No one else can do this for me so the best I can do is give it my all and pray like crazy that I will get a full time job. My second goal is contingent upon getting a full time job because I really want to get ready to buy a house. I really want to stay in this area but we'll see how it goes. Anyways, if it's going to take more than a year for me to qualify for a loan then I will move into a 3 bedroom apartment cuz the kids are driving each other nuts and me nuts cuz they don't have their own room. So, to provide sanity to all concerned, a 3 bedroom apartment would be the next best thing but I would rather have a house :D.
My friend Jennifer is moving to Maryland and that is way bumming me out cuz she really has been a great friend and I am going to miss her but I know this move will help her and her lil family so I am trying to be happy for her :(.

Goals

So I have decided that blogging about some of my goals might help me actually stick with them! Kind of the whole accountability thing so we'll see if that actually works.
My first goal is about my weight. Which I think a bazillion Americans are "working" on that goal right now too so I'm not a lone lol. I currently have reached an all time high of 267. Which in high school I flipped out when I got close to 200 and dropped 25 pounds. I wish it was that easy now but I have the lovely addition of age, super amounts of stress, two kids that don't help me eat healthy, and my wonderful addictive personality! So, since I obviously can't do anything about the age issue, I can try indeed to tackle the other issues I've got stacking up against me. Stress: huge factor in my eating habits cuz when I am stressed I eat comfort foods like giant hamburgers and fries and sweets up the wahzoo! I can pay more attention to my body and emotions and when I get stressed I can practice the 8000 relaxation techniques my Mom has taught me over the years and just calm the heck down! Life does not end over silly things and I never know what the future may hold so I need to chill and enjoy all the little things in life right now that are amazing!! As far as the kids go, they really do eat well when they are given good foods. I just need to make them a part of the team and give them the power to tell me I shouldn't be eating that lol that will be a hoot for them and will make me rethink why I am wanting the twinkie or chocolate cake :). As far as the addictive personality I really just have to take that one day at a time! It works for alcoholics so I know it can work for a sugarholic. Another huge thing that will help will be for me to replace bad with good so I don't feel like I have to starve to death in order to try and lose weight! I just really need to think about why I want to eat the food I am craving... do I need protein to help my body function better, am I really hungry or just bored, did something poopy happen and I need comfort? etc etc etc... So, hopefully this will begin a new chapter for me in weight loss cuz something better work fast or I'm gonna lose it!!!
Goal number two: home ownership. In order to meet that goal I need a fantastic job for now so I can save up for a great down payment and then I need to keep going to school slowly but surely so I can eventually have a fantastic job and pay off the house sooner. Of course this goal can be aided by several factors like if I get married there would be two incomes to help make that a reality and I would be able to get through school faster if I was married too but we'll see what the future holds that way. In the mean time I can work on my saving habits and quit spending money on wants and only spend it on needs! I really have everything I need to function so if it is something that will improve things like the new cheese grater I need then that is fine but if not then I don't need it and I'm not going to buy it! I spent a lot of money lately from my tax return on stuff I didn't really need but it's been fun to use!! But, I have enough of that stuff now too so I really don't need to do it. My other spending habit is eating out. I can work on two goals at once with breaking that habit so that should be even easier for me!!
Alright here we go!!!

Holy Crow!

So lets see if I can catch up on the past 10 months shall we? lol... At the end of June I got an externship at the Utah Neurological Clinic and then got a job there at the beginning of August. At the beginning of December I was fired from that job. First time that has EVER happened to me and honestly freaked me out pretty darn bad! But, I have given myself some therapy and am slowly recovering from the experience. It seriously threw me for a loop! I started questioning my abilities and personality etc etc it was really rough to have to go through all of that and trying to find another job has proved equally as difficult. It didn't help that I got fired right before Christmas and right after the medical assistant hiring season! Trying not to be bitter lol no really I just pity someone that has to destroy other people in order to somehow feel better about themselves. I really hope that she doesn't do that to anyone else there but since I've seen 2 other postings for a CMA job there since she fired me I'm guessing that people have either quit or she fired them. There were some great people there that I really miss but for the most part it was barbie town and I am thankful to not have to work there anymore. But, like I said I have been looking for a job since December 7th! Finally on January 21st, I started working part time for a lady in American Fork taking care of her 6 year old that has Rett Syndrome and doing some housework for them. It pays well but it's hard for me to not have road rage either on the way there or the way home but at least it's a job!! I just need to find another part time job or one full time job and that has been quite the process. Since December 8th, I've had approximately 6 interviews with no job offers. Why I don't get the jobs I have no idea but there it is... So, the search continues!
The kids have been doing well and continue to make me laugh, cry and wanna break something :) They are a blessing and a curse sometimes but I do love them and it's been way fun seeing them become little people.
Hannah has chosen to get baptized and that will take place in April. I am happy for her that she is soooo much more informed about the church and what covenants she is making than I was. I thought I knew everything but I was way off! Not that I would have chosen differently, just that I am glad she is well informed and desires to continue with her membership in the church. She is still the perfect combo girl that I always wanted when I imagined my kids; she loves sports and rough-housing and also loves barbies, playing dress up, and getting fingernails and toenails painted. But she is definitely still very much her own person and does not like being told what to do by anyone! So, it's a challenge still but it is soooooo much better than when she was little! It's really fun to carry on a conversation with her now too since she talks like an adult half the time but about lil girl subjects :). She is looking forward to her birthday on Sunday and we will be taking one of her friends to Classic Skating Friday night.
Isaac is becoming quite the lil man and cracks me up daily with his lil personality quirks. Although he did throw quite a fit when I started picking him up from school and wouldn't take him out to eat lunch every day. Still doesn't get the whole Mommy is poor concept but we're working on it :). He is becoming more all boy and loves all the creepy crawly creatures and dinosaurs but also still loves the colors pink and black and his stuffed animals. He really wants to be older than Hannah and continues to ask me when that will happen lol.
Well, that is about all for now but I hope to start doing daily's on here to hold myself more accountable for a few things like eating habits etc so we'll see how it goes lol! Wish me luck!