Yesterday I got a call from my Gynecologist about my blood work they did on Monday. They said my vitamin D was low and they were calling in a prescription for it and I needed to take an over the counter supplement as well. No big deal a lot of women are vitamin D deficient and it can be corrected. Then, they hit me with my a1c number: 5.7...pre-diabetic... well shit! Both my parents have diabetes, my oldest sister, and the next one in line was pre-diabetic a few months ago.

     They said I needed to make sure I changed my diet to lots of veggies, protein, and a few simple carbs and to cut out all sugar. They also said I needed to start exercising as well. All things I knew I should have been doing for years. All things that seem so simple because not following those instructions will lead to diabetes and death.

     And yet, this little voice that is CONSTANTLY going off in the back of my mind, says, "NAW it's no big deal and you can't give up the sugar you need it to survive all you're going through! If you give it up you'll never be able to deal with life and you'll die" Like literally that is what is constantly in my mind! I think about every place I have sugar or where I can get some next time I go out of the house! I think about all the juicy burgers and fries and milkshakes and all these delicious things...THAT ARE KILLING ME...and I don't care! What the hell point have I gotten to in my life that I literally want to die and am using food to do it??

     How do I start loving myself enough to make these changes in my life? How do I put my health first so that I can have a future with my babies and my hubby?? Good grief I need help! I need someone standing by my side every second of the day saying I love you and you can do this! Oh wait, I do have that!! I have a loving Heavenly Father who helped me catch this all before I became diabetic! He blessed me with a loving family and friends who look out for me and want me to succeed!! He blessed me with intelligence to be able to make this work! He blessed me with a huge helping of stubbornness that I can now use for something good instead of using it to fight everything that isn't going perfectly!

     Another blessing I've had this week is learning to open my heart back up to Heavenly Father. All growing up, I never believed that He loved me truly because of all of the abuse I dealt with when I was little. I thought I must be sooooo bad that not even God loves me enough to stop this! So that is the core belief system I had about myself. I thought I was lower than the lowest scum and there was never going to be anyone that really loved me. When I started opening up my heart to Him and trusting Him, He flooded my heart with love and peace like I haven'f felt in YEARS! He has been pouring out blessing after blessing just because I stopped rejecting them!! I was closed off to them because I thought He allowed me to be hurt. He is our Father and he LOVES us even more than we love our own children!! It's impossible to imagine that kind of love since I love my kids so damn much!! He has only ever wanted me to be healthy and happy and successful! He wants all the good things for me and all of His children! He WANTS to bless me with them but I have to be open to receive them and I have to WORK!!

     I want the blessing of good health so I have to do the work, and He will pour out those blessings on me!!

Celebrating...Everything!

    I used to think that celebrations should only be for special occasions and should ALWAYS include delicious food! Over the past few years, I have really had to work hard to change that mindset. My issues with food have given me the "excuse" to celebrate every little thing throughout the day and to use sugar to do so. Obviously, over time, this has had a very detrimental effect on my health. My low point was as I was waiting to undergo a non-stress test on my baby girl, I saw part of my chart the nurse had in her hand and by my weight they had written "morbidly obese". Those are two words no one really ever wants to see let alone see when you are about 36 weeks into your 5th pregnancy. I could, of course, make every excuse in the book as to how I got to that point but it really doesn't matter!! I was the largest I have ever been in my life and I hated myself for it. Seriously so much hate and self-loathing it was so difficult to keep sane and keep going. Thankfully I did, and I learned a whole lot about myself along the way.
 

At my heaviest, about to give birth to my 8 pound 5 ounce baby girl, I weighed 302.4 lbs. I vividly remember in high school at the end of my freshman year, weighing 194 lbs and freaking out that I was almost 200 pounds and how disgusting that was! I started watching what I was eating and made sure I was more active in my day and I got down to 174 I think. I still felt like I needed to lose more but I was proud of dropping that weight.
    After my sophomore and junior years in high school, we had a really difficult year my senior year of high school and the weight started coming back on. I don't know how much I weighed at the time but I was a size 18 and had to buy new clothes when I moved from Colorado to Utah because none of my size 16 clothes fit anymore. I finally found a job in Tooele, started college, and was trying to carve out a social life and trying to date. I had no self esteem whatsoever after years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse from my brother growing up so I was easy pickings for my ex husband.
   I endured 4 years of literal hell with him before finally filing for divorce when I was 23 years old with 2 small children. My weight had skyrocketed during that time to 254 lbs.
   Shortly after my divorce, I started working and started some pretty stupid eating habits that lead to me losing 38 pounds. That was awesome to get almost back down to the clothes I had after high school! I was soooo close and then got pregnant by a moronic ex boyfriend who said he couldn't have kids and I foolishly believed him. One of my sisters adopted that sweet baby girl because I for sure could not handle raising her on my own and she didn't deserve the lifestyle I was able to give my older two kids.
    My weight just bounced up and down for years after that. I would get going really good on exercising and eating better and INVARIABLY something would happen that would just pull the rug right out from under me! It was so bad for my depression and anxiety that I have been suicidal many times over the years.
 

This past November, after Thanksgiving, I decided to finally take the bull by the horns and just handle my business! I started with Beachbody's Ultimate Reset. It was a 21 day eating program to flush all the crap out of your system and get you eating clean. I did FANTASTIC!!! I only had one cheat meal the entire 21 days and that was because we had a work Christmas party for my husband's new job. I thought this was it! I was finally going to kick these demons in my head!! PSYCH! As soon as the program was over I used every excuse known to mankind to eat crap! At first it was just one little treat in the middle of the day which I would beat myself up emotionally for the rest of the day. Then it progressed to more and more sweets as we really got close to Christmas. Then came New Year's Eve and then my birthday and the excuses were easier and easier to come by.
    Now, tomorrow, I am starting over again. I am not making any promises that this is going to drastically change my life. What I am promising myself, is that I will follow this program to the "T" and there is nothing that is more important than my health!

Time Flying.....

I literally feel like I blinked and another year is gone! We celebrated Sam's first birthday a week ago Saturday and I am still in shock! Although, I must say, I have been able to enjoy this lil man more than I ever did with Hannah or Isaac. Not because he is better or more enjoyable, merely that I was given a stable loving home with which to nurture and delight in all of the facets of his character. He really is amazing though and I can't wait to see what he will come up with each day! He has the best sense of humor and LOVES to make everyone laugh and teases his Daddy relentlessly!

Daddy and Sam at Jaker's Pumpkin Patch 

10-21 Cutest baby in the world at Jaker's Pumpkin Patch

Babies Babies Everywhere!

At the end of June my sister and brother in law had their 4th baby! Conner Douglas is so incredibly cute and very squishy which is the best part about babies :)
   On October 21,2014, at 7:23pm, Samuel David graced us with his presence! We had a very long day of it before he finally arrived though. At about 7:30am we started pitocin to get the lovely contractions that I had been having for weeks actually doing something. Those were doing their job for a while but then around 7 or so, Sam's heart-rate started dipping down with the contractions and I wasn't dilating more than a 5 or 6, so we decided to take him out via c-section. It was a good thing we didn't wait longer because his head was actually stuck in my pelvis and the cord was wrapped around his neck so I literally would not have been able to get him out on my own. I was hoping I could but he had other plans apparently :) He was 7 pounds 7 ounces and 20 inches long and cried right away which was a great thing! He had the cutest classic baby cry with a squeak at the end!

Here I am meeting him for the first time (on the outside)! He whined at me but turned toward my voice which was so comforting since I couldn't hold him right away! In fact it was quite some time before I got to hold him cuz they had to finish stitching me up and then they waited until we were settled in our room before bringing him to me.
   The hospital stay was traumatic and hard because Sam had a really hard time nursing. He would scream like someone had cut off an appendage but then wouldn't nurse well. So, he lost 10 ounces in the hospital and then by the Monday after he was born he had lost a full pound down from his birth weight. He also had a high biliruben  count so we had to have his blood checked about 5 times I think after the hospital checked it a couple of times while we were there. By Saturday after he was born we had to use lights for him. No fun at all!!

I really think he looks like a glow worm from the 80's in that pic :)

  After the Monday weight check, we started using formula and a hand pump to keep my supply going and just pretty much fed him from the bottle. I tried a few times to get him to latch on but he would throw a huge fit 90% of the time. At his 2 week checkup, he had gained almost a pound! He was up to 7lbs 5oz so the dr ok'd me to start trying to nurse more. After that we went to WIC and I was able to see a lactation consultant and she corrected my improper hold, showed me how to get Sam to latch on properly, and he nursed really well for the first time since he was born!
   Around the beginning of November, I had my milk tested to make sure I was making enough calories and enough milk for Sam. They tested the foremilk and the hind milk and weighed Sam before eating, mid-meal, and after he was done. My fore milk was 21 calories, hind milk was 43 calories, and Sam gained almost 3 ounces from eating! So, my milk is better than formula (which is typically 20 calories) and he had plenty of supply :). I was elated!!
   On the 7th of November, my friend at Coco Portraits took some great newborn shots of Sam:

 
  Just before Thanksgiving, Sam turned 1 month old :)

He would not smile or even stop crying so I could take a quick picture :( But he had a great pose for his huge feet!

  Thanksgiving was spent with family at my sister's house and we had a wonderful couple of days with them!

 
And I will catch up with December and January next time since I think this might be the longest post EVER!!

It's Been Quite a Year!!

    Super craziness batman!! I can't believe what a difference a year can make!! Shortly after my last post, things got pretty serious with an amazing man I had known for 2 years at work! He was a cook there and I always admired how well he treated the residents and he his food was always AMAZING!! He never really seemed too interested in dating me but was always a huge flirt so I never took things seriously with him. In May he started taking the kids and I out to dinner on Mondays which was his night off. It was fun but like I said I never really took him seriously about future prospects. In July, we went out to eat by ourselves cuz a sweet lady that worked at the same place offered to watch the kids when she was supposed to come with us all. We went to Tucanos and had super delicious food and then went to a movie and sat super close but didn't really cuddle or anything. On the 6th of August, I invited him over to "help" me put my kitchen back together after the water heater broke and flooded it. He ended up taking a nap on the couch lol. In the past I would have been offended that I didn't warrant his attention but instead I felt good that he felt so comfortable in my home that he could snooze comfortably. At the time he was working 2 jobs and working in the community garden that his church owned to provide fresh vegetables for the Food and Care Coalition that feeds the homeless. So, he really deserved a nice comfy place to nap lol. The next day, he got a second degree burn at work and called me from the hospital and so I asked him to come over so I could help take care of him and get his pain prescription etc. That evening we sat on the couch and talked with a movie on the T.V. in the background and he shared a lot of his childhood with me and it made me fall head over heels in love with him! He never let his difficulties in life turn him away from Heavenly Father and he knew He had guided people into his life to help him when he needed it most! After that night we pretty much spent every minute together that we could :) We had our first kiss on August 9th and haven't stopped since lol!
    On October 1st, we went back to Tucanos for dinner and walked around the Riverwoods shopping area for a little bit then found a bench to sit on. It was under some Christmas type lights they strung across over the walkway and the sun was just starting to set. Pretty much the most romantic atmosphere ever :) That was when he asked me to be his wife and I said yes!! I knew it was coming and had prayed about it long before it got to that moment and felt that I should marry him if he asked!
   The next few months were spent with him meeting my family and making wedding preparations which were fun for the most part. We paid for everything for the wedding ourselves but had tons and tons of family support and help especially the day of!! We were married in his church on February 7th of this year and had a short but sweet ceremony. He was a lil emotional and it made me love him even more!! Of course I was awesome and tried to put his ring on the wrong hand lol! And our flower girl was super cute and forgot to put the petals down on her way to the front and put them down for our exit instead LOL! The reception was a lil disorganized  but we did do our first dance even though most of the guests had left and we got cake in each other's faces like I always wanted to do! Nothing ever goes perfectly or as planned but at the end of the day it was more important that we were married than anything else!!
    We spent the night at the Hilton downtown in SLC and then left for our honeymoon in Los Cabos, Mexico the next day! It was sooooo beautiful in Mexico and we had perfect weather the whole time we were there!! It was by far the best week of my life!!!
    A few weeks after we got back, on the 21st of February to be exact, we found out we were expecting a sweet lil baby!! We were completely over-joyed!! We had talked about having a baby right away since we aren't getting any younger and wanted to be able to really enjoy our baby and not be old farts when the baby was older!
    In May we moved in to our first home! It is amazing and perfect for us! It was built in the 50's but the inside has been completely updated and repainted in neutral colors so it is calming and wonderful! It has 5 bedrooms so Hannah and Isaac don't have to share a room ever again!! WOO HOO!! And our sweet lil baby will have it's own room too :)
  Speaking of baby, we found out we are having a boy! That made my sweet husband even more excited for his arrival! I know he would have loved his baby girl if that's what we were blessed with but I am really happy for him to have a son to carry on his last name. We are slowly but surely getting things ready for his arrival which we are anticipating on October 26th :) We have the car seat and outfit to bring him home in and that's about it lol! A lady we used to work with said she wants to throw us a babyshower though so I have been registering for the basics and some fun stuff on Amazon and Wal-Mart.com so hopefully we will have everything by the time he gets here lol!
     Well, now that we are all caught up on the major highlights, I will peace out for a bit lol hopefully more updates to come and not quite so far apart lol

Here I Go Again On My Own...

And so it begins again with the kids' sperm donor dropping off the face of the earth. He has missed the last 4 visits and only gave excuses for the first 2 he missed. I am both frustrated and relieved by this unexpected turn of events. I figured eventually he would give up and move on as is his pattern, but he has stuck with it for a lil over a year so I thought there was a slight chance he could have pulled his head far enough out of the ground to realize his responsibilities. Nope, that's not true. So now, I have to put more of a burden on my sweet family because I still have to work every other weekend. The kids are getting bounced around as we have to accommodate everyone's busy schedules and it's hard on them and on me because I get major anxiety every time they are with my family. I worry that they will become bitter about watching my kids and how their behavior can be so very awful at times and if they will in turn grow to hate their aunts and uncles and my parents for having to become authority figures in their lives. My sweet Mother was trying to reassure me today that the family loves my kids and loves to have the opportunity to provide service for one another and that it isn't a burden to watch them. I really have a hard time believing that but I really have to try and get that in my head or these gastritis attacks I've been having are going to kill my stomach.
   STRESS: yes this has been a major factor in my existence of late. I have been stressing about everything and working really hard to let things go instead of bury the emotions cuz I can't deal with any more. It's a very freeing idea but such a hard concept to apply. What does it really mean to let something go? Does it mean you never re-live that experience or does it mean that you accept that experience as a part of you that shapes the future... maybe I need to word that differently... I feel like those experiences I've had that have caused the most pain in my life, have caused me to fear certain things. For example, because of my experiences with my ex husband, I have a pretty deep seeded fear of men. I hadn't realized until now that's the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I think about dating or just texting with a guy I like. It's fear. I fear that any man I let in my life will hurt me. The truth is, I choose whether or not I am hurt. Elenor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" and that is soooooo true!!! Some one can call me every name in the book but I don't have to accept any of them as truth. A man may try and use me to make himself feel better but I choose how I let him make me feel and if I don't like anything about him, I get to choose if he remains in my life. I am not required to keep someone in that role in my life for any reason! I never have to fear dating a man and having him judge me! I am a good person and have so very much to offer in a relationship that any man would be thanking Heavenly Father for having me in their life because I LOVE to make other people happy and smile and love their life! That was a bit of a run-on sentence but I needed that affirmation! I can look forward to meeting new people and getting to know all about them :) That will put them at ease if I am confident in myself and desire to know about what makes them tic!
   I really do have so many things to be thankful for and I need to stop being so afraid!! I know that if I trust in Heavenly Father, I can bounce back from any situation and come out on top!
  Now to put all my preaching into practice and not let fear rule another minute of my life!

Who's Ready For Round Two?

   So I really thought things were getting better but here we go again! Isaac has decided that it's awesome to yell and scream and punch and kick over the smallest inconvenience he has to endure. He used to be soooo sweet and kind and gave super great hugs all the time. Now he has become evil spawn! Not quite sure what to do with him but he will continue to go to therapy and we will try and find a better solution than what we've been dealing with. I keep forgetting to pray first. I forget that Heavenly Father knows exactly what Isaac needs! As I was typing this the words Time and Love came to mind. I will have to actually pray to expound on those thoughts but those seem easy enough to give. But then I realize why Isaac would feel he isn't getting those things because we are so busy doing things for Hannah and focusing on her I am sure he feels left out. He probably figures that Hannah got all the attention she gets now by acting that way so it should work for him. I wish there was a way for him to understand that it's better to get positive attention by making good choices but any attention is still attention in his mind.
   I have also been lacking the faith that I will get married again. Every time I examine the logistics of the situation, it appears hopeless. I cannot take more time away from my kids right now to seek after a father for them but that's exactly what they need. I know that we can be a great family with just me as their mother but I also know what a difference a father would make to them. True they have a biological father but they have some deep-seeded issues with that character. They need a man who can show Isaac how to be a man that respects others and himself so that he can eventually be a husband and father. They need a father that will play games with them and show them how to play sports (cuz I suck at sports lol) and will play outside and inside rain or shine. They need a father that will love their mother and show Isaac how to treat a woman and Hannah how a woman is supposed to be treated. It's all well and good to tell them these things but they need that example in the home. And I am just flat out lonely! I love my kids but they cannot and should not try and replace that sacred relationship. I know I can be happy no matter what but if we're making wish lists that is on the top of mine.

S.A.D.

Like the title says, this is indeed Single Awareness Day (formerly known as Valentine's Day). I have really been feeling it this year. I think my biological clock is to blame. I turned 30 in January and that was really difficult to come to grips with. Especially out in Utah where everyone is married and has 5 kids by my age. If I were anywhere else in the continental U.S., I would be a tiny bit on the late side of getting married but perfectly normal. As it stands, not being married at 30 is strange and then you factor in the whole having 2 kids thing and ya might as well sign me up for cat of the month club! Sadly, since I am allergic to cats I can't even become the classic cat lady! ugh!
   I have reached a point in my life now where the stress of the dreaded ex is lessening and Hannah is behaving so much better than she used to so I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't not had something to stress over since I was 12! Which would explain my gastritis :) I really want to finally focus on myself and getting fit and happy in every way possible! I just got my tax return back and so I got a Wii for the kids and I. I got it on Amazon.com so I was able to get the console, 2 controllers, and 4 games for $150. Yeah that's how I roll :) Anyhoo, the kids love playing Just Dance at my sister's houses so I got Just Dance 3 for us to play. It doesn't take long before I start sweating with that so I am confident that it will be great exercise for all of us!
   Speaking of exercise, Hannah started taking swimming lessons on January 4th and she absolutely LOVES them! She might be part fish but it's amazing how well she is doing in such a short amount of time. She even behaves at school in order to participate in her lessons instead of watching them if she misbehaves. I really am proud of her and I really hope she wants to join the swim team with the rec center so that she can get great friends that have a common interest :)
   Anyhoo, hopefully now that I don't have to worry about the ex and work is going better, I will be able to get control of my home too! It's just a 2 bedroom apartment but it has been like a black hole lately! The kids' room is a complete disaster but everywhere else is mostly clean (yes even my room!). I know if I strive to maintain control of myself then I will be able to make my home a haven from the nuttiness of the outside world!
   One day at a time.....

Money is AWESOME when ya have it...

So, the workout train has been temporarily derailed and the money train is still lost in transit. That is the equation for mucho stress for Carolyn. I know one will not fix the other but both of them would decrease my stress for sure! Anyhoo, I had pinned a link for a financial advice blog on pinterest months ago and never really looked closely at it until tonight when I was really panicking about my finances. My ex being the wonderful human being that he is, has stopped paying child support once again and doesn't contribute to the daycare bill at all so things have increased in tightness. I also gave in to some dangerous spending habits during a pretty toxic friendship that has thankfully ended. But, the credit card bills have not ended after that 2 month long spree. Thankfully the damage is not nearly as extensive as it used to get but it isn't good either. Right now my debt is more than one month's income and previously it was 3 times my monthly income so I am doing substantially better than before! WOO HOO! Gotta celebrate the progress! The problem is, I have my car registration due this month as well as emissions and safety and then next month is Christmas and I would love love love to get my family some really nice gifts this year. But, since I's po folk, I am going to have to get really creative and just give them gifts that are either something I can make quickly or gifts of service! Which, in my humble opinion, are much better gifts anyway! Or, I could do those cute jars with the ingredients for a yummy holiday treat!
Moving on..... the part that I connected with most from the blog was that the lady that wrote it was very much like me in her spending habits but she decided that it was just time to grow up and do this! No more panic when the bills are due because the money is there and wasn't spent on something frivolous! Now, it's not that I will never do anything fun with the kids or what-have-you, but it will be within the budget and not every time we are bored or every weekend etc like we do now because every penny counts when things are this tight! She had tips for every way of making those super tight pennies stretch even farther like only drying clothes in the dryer for 10 minutes then drying them on one of those racks for the rest of the day. That would save me tons in utility bills because my dryer is an old electric one. Anyhoo, I am really going to try this month to remember all those little things that can help save money. It will take a lot of effort with the kids to cut down on that waste they do naturally cuz they don't think it's a big deal, but it will be worth it!
  Wish me luck!!

Oh yeah!

Just did 45 minutes of Yoga! I hate it when people knock Yoga like it's not a workout cuz my muscles will tell a different story! I am feelin the burn but rejuvenated at the same time! Woo hoo!
  So, that makes my second day in a row of working out and I am feeling in control of this stuff for once in a long time!

How About This Time?

Previous to August, I lost 15 pounds. Then my lovely exhusband took me to court and I promptly gained back 8 of those pounds from dealing with all the old junk again. So, now I have the joy of losing that weight previously lost plus the rest of the junk. I have a fantastic plan in place to not eat junk and to work out 6 days a week. The reason I know I can work out that much without dying is that I work very hard at my job and it is no longer as hard as it was previously. So, I now have the super fun times of pushing my body harder so that it creates more muscle to burn more fat. I am not going to track my weight but I will record my workouts and if I find some yummy food that is also nutritious I will put it on here as well. I'm not going to track my weight for a while because I will be replacing my fat with muscle and a pound still weighs a pound if it's fat or muscle. The beauty will be in how my clothes fit because muscle takes up less space than fat so I will be looking better but the numbers may not reflect that. I am putting this rationale on here for when I get frustrated lol.
  Well, wish me luck!

It Almost Worked

Today was pretty good for the most part. I went to the temple with my niece and then got my hair cut by another niece and then spent the rest of the day on my butt lol. I did get some laundry done but chose to chill on the couch with a fan on me and watching shows on hulu. I don't know if it was just the heat or just laziness but I definitely have to do better tomorrow! I really think it was all psychological today cuz any time I have any run in with any remotely abusive situation, it throws me for a huge loop. It's amazing to me the extent of emotional abuse. I really don't think enough emphasis is placed on it. An understandably majority of focus is placed on physical abuse but emotional abuse is equally as damaging. A bruise heals but the emotional abuse behind it lasts much much longer. When I got the black eye from going down the water slide with Isaac, I had to endure the stares and the questions of what happened. Thankfully I had the truth of a fun time gone horribly wrong. It all got me thinking though that my ex husband could have easily given me one just like it. How would I have explained it? Would I lie or excuse his behavior? Most likely. I know that sickening feeling now of people assuming you've been abused and doing and saying nothing about it. What could they do? They didn't see it happen so they don't know the truth and yet how many people are abused every day and people know about it and do nothing? It seriously churns my stomach thinking that I was in that situation with my ex. I put myself and then my sweet children at risk every day we stayed with him. Thankfully we have a loving Father in Heaven that put special people in our lives that helped correct the huge mistakes I made. My wonderful parents were there to love and support us no matter what stupid choice I made. They helped me see the direct violation of love and trust that my ex made on a daily basis with his lies, manipulations, and controlling behavior. They never forced me into anything but merely pointed out what was too obvious for me to see. I cannot begin to express the depth of my gratitude to them and Heavenly Father for bringing me into their family. I used to hate my life as a pre-teen and most of my teen years and couldn't wait to meet my prince charming and start a family but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was given amazing parents that could lead and guide me through the extremely difficult trials that I would face because of my poor choices.
  So my start of this particular rant was because of a confrontation I witnessed at Burger King after the temple and before I got my hair cut. The manager was yelling at an employee and the employee was yelling back so he told her to clock out leaving them shorthanded and making the other employees very angry. I didn't realize how much those situations still effect me. I witnessed more than my fair share of situations like that when my ex and I lived with his mother and they would argue on a nearly daily basis. We were under constant threat of getting kicked out and being homeless. What kind of a jerk would ever risk that? I had a problem with confrontation before that and after that I really couldn't handle it at all. Now, once I am in it I can deal with it well but I still try and take the peacemaker route :).
   I really hope that I will continue to heal as more things are brought up from my past so I can look it in the eye and send it packing with my other baggage that has already been sent on it's merry way! I have found that sometimes even just labeling it for what it was, helps and then I can move on and be happy!

Holy Crow!!

So I am feeling a lil overwhelmed again. I really need to remember how to not get completely stressed out about everything. Actually, things are going pretty well I am just a lil hormonal from having my monthly visitor this week. That's what I'm blaming it on anyway lol. So, to make myself feel better I am going to do a lil self-check in for the major areas of life so I can see where I need to improve and where I can pat myself on the back and say good job :)
    Spiritually; doing much better in this area than in times past. I can go to the temple and have been going weekly this month!! YEA!! That is more frequently than I ever went when I had my recommend 6 years ago! I do need to start reading my scriptures more consistently though. The reason I haven't been very good about this is that I want to set up a schedule for myself to accomplish certain things each day and I feel like I can't do that until I have my room cleaned and organized. Super not cool on that falsehood! I need to read my scriptures no matter what is going on with the state of my room!! Ok, now that I've righted that wrong I can move on!
   Mentally; I need to journal more so that I am getting thoughts down on paper for future reference and release. That way when I start freaking out about something I can go back and read again some inspiration I got or an idea I received while pondering a problem. I also need to start studying Spanish so I can freakin understand my coworkers and the one elderly Hispanic person at work. That would make all of our lives easier rather than expecting people who live in an English-speaking country to learn the language lol.
   Physically; I have actually been losing weight since counting calories! But, I need to watch my snacking at home and quit drinking the freakin pop again!! During the whole month of May I only had one or two sodas! I gave up pop for like 7 months a year ago so I KNOW I can do it again and that it will help me lose weight! I also need need need to exercise! I am getting a ton of exercise at work but it's not enough if I really want to shed some poundage before the family reunion in August! I want to stop having to buy clothes in 2x or 3x!! I want to be able to shop in the regular section of the stores and not have to hunt around for the "plus size" area! It's ridiculous! I used to fit in a size 14! I would be happy with even just an 18! I have tons of cute jeans in that size and would love love love to get into them again! That's only 2 sizes down from what I am now!!!
    Emotionally; So this is the area of my life that is holding back my weight loss because something is hurting and I feel like I have to protect myself still. WRONG! I am the most safe I have ever been! I am not in any kind of abusive relationships, I have an amazing support group in my family and friends, I go to church and have an awesome ward, I know that my family love me, I know my Heavenly Father loves me! I think that's where I have been having the disconnect lately. I need to get back to the basics and strengthen my relationship with my Father in Heaven so that everything else can fall into place. PROBLEM SOLVED!!!!

I figured some stuff out...

Like the title says I have done a lot of learning and growing lately. And no that was not a fat joke lol. Anyhoo, my ex randomly followed through with seeing the kids on the 24th last month and insisted on coming back for another visit yesterday on the 7th. Come to find out he has been making a lot of changes in his life that are most likely influencing his choice to see the kids after 6 years. He is getting married, for the 4th time, to a lady that has a 4 year old. He actually has a job so he is paying child support and I gave him another bill for daycare and he didn't make a fuss at all which is weird. He also got the kids a ton of stuff for Easter and isn't complaining about all the gas money to come down here. So, I dunno what's up but I am learning how to have more faith in my Heavenly Father that this will all be ok and work out for the best interest of me and the kids because we are striving to do what is right. I was doing really good in that area of trusting in my Heavenly Father and then He stepped it up a notch so I wouldn't get too complacent lol. I know that all the trials we go through are for our benefit if we learn what He is trying to teach us. I have the faith that if I continue to do all I can to live as He would have me live, that I will be blessed with an AMAZING eternal companion that will be the good loving and righteous father that the kids have always wanted.
I know that Satan is trying with all his might to lead me astray once again but I also know that Heavenly Father LOVES ME with all His might and He is soooo much more powerful than Satan! He has shown His love for me over and over again as He has used those in tune with the Spirit, to help bring me back to the straight and narrow path. If He didn't care, He would have given up on me long ago. He loves me, and He loves my ex husband too. That part has been really difficult for me to realize and accept. How could He love the good and the bad? But then I realized that His love is like the love I have for my sweet daughter Hannah. She makes some really horrible choices and while I don't love her choices, I still love her and desire all that is good for her. Heavenly Father feels the same about my ex. He doesn't condone the bad choices that he has made and continues to make, but He still loves him despite all of that junk. I can pray for my ex that he will start making good choices again without having to love him as a husband again. He had that chance already and trod it in the mud and does not have to be allowed that privilege ever again.
I also know that I am strong enough to get the kids and I through this trial with hope and happiness no matter what happens. I can never get prideful or arrogant with my strength but I can rest securely in the knowledge that Heavenly Father is powerful enough for all of us and I merely have to trust in Him no matter what comes our way!

Ahhhh the Good Life... or so I was told!

It really is never completely perfect in this life and the sooner I realize that then the better off my life will be. Things are going really well at work which I started on the 10th of January at Beehive Homes in Provo. I got a day shift from 7-3 so the kids are at the daycare in the morning for an hour and then an hour in the afternoon :). Works out great and it only costs me $40 more than what I was paying people to sleep at my house but that is only thanks to the State Assistance otherwise my entire paycheck would be going to pay daycare each month! Anyhoo, as things are settling in that way, Hannah has become a lot more psycho! But I was talking to a sister in my ward about her and she said her daughter was very much that same way when 3rd grade hit. She said she thinks it was from the growth that the girls experience at that age where they are discovering a little more of who they are. It totally clicked and made sense! Once again many thanks to a kind and loving Heavenly Father that puts people in our lives right when we need them as long as we are in the right place ;)

I Missed This....

So it has been a while since I blogged last but every time I got on the puter I just was lazy and didn't want to do anything! anyhoo, exciting news! I got a new job! I know I was only at the other one for 4 months but they were totally tarded and mismanaged everything including the funds for paychecks! So, I started looking around and contacted a care center I applied at back in July and they were hiring for the day shift and their day shift is from 7-3!! AWESOME!!! Especially since no credible daycare is open at 5:30! Now the kids will get to go back to daycare and I will get to sleep in my own dang bed!!! AWESOME BLESSINGS!!!!!!! More later because I have to go get ready for one of my last shifts of graveyard madness.....

Stupidity is rampant

I really hate it when people say their baby was "unexpected" or an "accident" or have a ton of kids really close together without praying about it and just say they guess that's what Heavenly Father wanted to have happen! Seriously people if you don't have sex you can't make babies! Simple as that! And I know that there are certain families that have lots of kids close together after PRAYERFUL consideration and PLANNING because for one reason or another that was what was part of the plan for their lives! To do it any other way is prideful and irresponsible! I made a bad choice of whom I had my kids with so I know the pain and regret that can come with not having Heavenly Father's help and guidance in this process!!! Now my greatest wish is to be able to have a second chance and have a family with an amazing worthy priesthood holder that can be the father to my kids that their dad never was! But, I am not blessed with that right now so I just have to have faith and try not to shoot people that are soooo flippin stupid about their choices like I once was!

Much Better

Today was sooo much better than last night! I had a really good night at work cuz my buddy Cade was working and he always comes and talks to me for a bit and then I was working on a puzzle they had out and that made the time go by soooooo fast!
I only got 3 1/2 hours of sleep but I wasn't tired at church AT ALL!! Such a huge blessing! And I got to take the Sacrament again which is something I always took for granted before but the promises and blessings are so wonderful and I am so thankful! The talks and lessons were great and then we went to choir and Hannah's friend Gina was there so they played pretty quietly while we sang. I got asked to give the closing prayer in Relief Society and after choir and I didn't have to politely decline this time! So awesome I can't get over it!! I also read some awesome scriptures on faith that were in the book of Alma in the book of Mormon that really helped me get through my depression about being a divorced single mom and not having a lot of hope for a future husband. I am trying to remember every time I have doubts that I was promised "him" in a blessing given to me by a worthy priesthood holder and that Heavenly Father will prompt me if necessary to be a certain place if that needs to happen that way or He can prompt someone to set me up on a date with someone they know in order for us to meet. The possibilities are infinite because His power is infinite as is His love for his children and I'm sure my future spouse is praying for me too :)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SOOO not fair! But then again life really is never fair is it? So, one of my high school friends is getting married again, didn't tell me at all, is having an open house in SLC that I found out about because of a post on his sister's FB page! How lame is that? And this is coming from a guy that said he would never get married again, wanted to mess around instead but not willing to date (rejected that loser idea) so that's just another slap in the face! ARG! I know I am trying to process this under period hormones and emotions so none of this is rational but it doesn't make it hurt any less. So, now the wedding count is up to 3 people I am close to and 3 people I know who are happily married and pregnant. Carolyn's count for anything that is not stressful but just pure happiness: a big fat ZERO! I am really trying to have faith that those things will happen for me again and maybe this is just another test to see if I will lose my faith because everyone around me is getting everything I want out of life?! I am going to work really hard on that whole faith thing cuz I am really lacking it right now! I can't help but wonder how on earth I will ever even date let alone find someone worth marrying and if I do will I be too old to have the children I keep feeling are waiting to come to my family? K a faithful person would say at this point that it's in the Lord's hands cuz I am doing everything I am supposed to do: I am going to church, I went through the repentance process and am worthy now, I read my scriptures, say my prayers (constantly), and try and teach my children what is right and true. So, after that, it's no longer up to me! Heavenly Father knows I can't go to a single's ward, can't go to single's activities cuz I work nearly every night that they have them, and I have a precious few friends cuz no one wants to hang out with a single mom. So, there ya have it! By all logical reason, I will never get married again! But, perhaps, Heavenly Father will be able to work through someone I know in order to make things happen cuz I have no other options! Of course I don't want to take more time away from the kids to date but maybe they will forgive me if I can get them a great Dad cuz of it? :)

More Updates...

Jon and Morgan are officially married! Sooo happy for them! They were just goofy happy all day! I have never seen Jon so perfectly happy so it made it that much better! The St. George temple is stunning and beautiful as well so it just added to the beautiful and spiritual feeling of the day. My job was to watch Lizzie and Tyler while Karen and Nate were in the temple. I have to admit I was a lil nervous cuz I know my kids can get their kids all riled up but all of my and other's prayers were answered and all of them behaved VERY well! Such a huge blessing on such a special day! I really wish I would have been able to go to the ceremony but I am thankful that I was able to watch the kids cuz no one else was available to be able to help watch them so it worked better that way! The reception was fun and a bit more laid back feel to it but it was beautifully decorated with white table clothes and chair covers with blue bows on the back. The cake was pretty odd with the bride and groom figures but it's what they wanted so it works! They also had dancing which was way fun!! I will definitely copy that when I get married again! It will be one big party for sure!!