Yesterday I got a call from my Gynecologist about my blood work they did on Monday. They said my vitamin D was low and they were calling in a prescription for it and I needed to take an over the counter supplement as well. No big deal a lot of women are vitamin D deficient and it can be corrected. Then, they hit me with my a1c number: 5.7...pre-diabetic... well shit! Both my parents have diabetes, my oldest sister, and the next one in line was pre-diabetic a few months ago.

     They said I needed to make sure I changed my diet to lots of veggies, protein, and a few simple carbs and to cut out all sugar. They also said I needed to start exercising as well. All things I knew I should have been doing for years. All things that seem so simple because not following those instructions will lead to diabetes and death.

     And yet, this little voice that is CONSTANTLY going off in the back of my mind, says, "NAW it's no big deal and you can't give up the sugar you need it to survive all you're going through! If you give it up you'll never be able to deal with life and you'll die" Like literally that is what is constantly in my mind! I think about every place I have sugar or where I can get some next time I go out of the house! I think about all the juicy burgers and fries and milkshakes and all these delicious things...THAT ARE KILLING ME...and I don't care! What the hell point have I gotten to in my life that I literally want to die and am using food to do it??

     How do I start loving myself enough to make these changes in my life? How do I put my health first so that I can have a future with my babies and my hubby?? Good grief I need help! I need someone standing by my side every second of the day saying I love you and you can do this! Oh wait, I do have that!! I have a loving Heavenly Father who helped me catch this all before I became diabetic! He blessed me with a loving family and friends who look out for me and want me to succeed!! He blessed me with intelligence to be able to make this work! He blessed me with a huge helping of stubbornness that I can now use for something good instead of using it to fight everything that isn't going perfectly!

     Another blessing I've had this week is learning to open my heart back up to Heavenly Father. All growing up, I never believed that He loved me truly because of all of the abuse I dealt with when I was little. I thought I must be sooooo bad that not even God loves me enough to stop this! So that is the core belief system I had about myself. I thought I was lower than the lowest scum and there was never going to be anyone that really loved me. When I started opening up my heart to Him and trusting Him, He flooded my heart with love and peace like I haven'f felt in YEARS! He has been pouring out blessing after blessing just because I stopped rejecting them!! I was closed off to them because I thought He allowed me to be hurt. He is our Father and he LOVES us even more than we love our own children!! It's impossible to imagine that kind of love since I love my kids so damn much!! He has only ever wanted me to be healthy and happy and successful! He wants all the good things for me and all of His children! He WANTS to bless me with them but I have to be open to receive them and I have to WORK!!

     I want the blessing of good health so I have to do the work, and He will pour out those blessings on me!!