And so it begins again with the kids' sperm donor dropping off the face of the earth. He has missed the last 4 visits and only gave excuses for the first 2 he missed. I am both frustrated and relieved by this unexpected turn of events. I figured eventually he would give up and move on as is his pattern, but he has stuck with it for a lil over a year so I thought there was a slight chance he could have pulled his head far enough out of the ground to realize his responsibilities. Nope, that's not true. So now, I have to put more of a burden on my sweet family because I still have to work every other weekend. The kids are getting bounced around as we have to accommodate everyone's busy schedules and it's hard on them and on me because I get major anxiety every time they are with my family. I worry that they will become bitter about watching my kids and how their behavior can be so very awful at times and if they will in turn grow to hate their aunts and uncles and my parents for having to become authority figures in their lives. My sweet Mother was trying to reassure me today that the family loves my kids and loves to have the opportunity to provide service for one another and that it isn't a burden to watch them. I really have a hard time believing that but I really have to try and get that in my head or these gastritis attacks I've been having are going to kill my stomach.
STRESS: yes this has been a major factor in my existence of late. I have been stressing about everything and working really hard to let things go instead of bury the emotions cuz I can't deal with any more. It's a very freeing idea but such a hard concept to apply. What does it really mean to let something go? Does it mean you never re-live that experience or does it mean that you accept that experience as a part of you that shapes the future... maybe I need to word that differently... I feel like those experiences I've had that have caused the most pain in my life, have caused me to fear certain things. For example, because of my experiences with my ex husband, I have a pretty deep seeded fear of men. I hadn't realized until now that's the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I think about dating or just texting with a guy I like. It's fear. I fear that any man I let in my life will hurt me. The truth is, I choose whether or not I am hurt. Elenor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" and that is soooooo true!!! Some one can call me every name in the book but I don't have to accept any of them as truth. A man may try and use me to make himself feel better but I choose how I let him make me feel and if I don't like anything about him, I get to choose if he remains in my life. I am not required to keep someone in that role in my life for any reason! I never have to fear dating a man and having him judge me! I am a good person and have so very much to offer in a relationship that any man would be thanking Heavenly Father for having me in their life because I LOVE to make other people happy and smile and love their life! That was a bit of a run-on sentence but I needed that affirmation! I can look forward to meeting new people and getting to know all about them :) That will put them at ease if I am confident in myself and desire to know about what makes them tic!
I really do have so many things to be thankful for and I need to stop being so afraid!! I know that if I trust in Heavenly Father, I can bounce back from any situation and come out on top!
Now to put all my preaching into practice and not let fear rule another minute of my life!
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