It Almost Worked

Today was pretty good for the most part. I went to the temple with my niece and then got my hair cut by another niece and then spent the rest of the day on my butt lol. I did get some laundry done but chose to chill on the couch with a fan on me and watching shows on hulu. I don't know if it was just the heat or just laziness but I definitely have to do better tomorrow! I really think it was all psychological today cuz any time I have any run in with any remotely abusive situation, it throws me for a huge loop. It's amazing to me the extent of emotional abuse. I really don't think enough emphasis is placed on it. An understandably majority of focus is placed on physical abuse but emotional abuse is equally as damaging. A bruise heals but the emotional abuse behind it lasts much much longer. When I got the black eye from going down the water slide with Isaac, I had to endure the stares and the questions of what happened. Thankfully I had the truth of a fun time gone horribly wrong. It all got me thinking though that my ex husband could have easily given me one just like it. How would I have explained it? Would I lie or excuse his behavior? Most likely. I know that sickening feeling now of people assuming you've been abused and doing and saying nothing about it. What could they do? They didn't see it happen so they don't know the truth and yet how many people are abused every day and people know about it and do nothing? It seriously churns my stomach thinking that I was in that situation with my ex. I put myself and then my sweet children at risk every day we stayed with him. Thankfully we have a loving Father in Heaven that put special people in our lives that helped correct the huge mistakes I made. My wonderful parents were there to love and support us no matter what stupid choice I made. They helped me see the direct violation of love and trust that my ex made on a daily basis with his lies, manipulations, and controlling behavior. They never forced me into anything but merely pointed out what was too obvious for me to see. I cannot begin to express the depth of my gratitude to them and Heavenly Father for bringing me into their family. I used to hate my life as a pre-teen and most of my teen years and couldn't wait to meet my prince charming and start a family but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was given amazing parents that could lead and guide me through the extremely difficult trials that I would face because of my poor choices.
  So my start of this particular rant was because of a confrontation I witnessed at Burger King after the temple and before I got my hair cut. The manager was yelling at an employee and the employee was yelling back so he told her to clock out leaving them shorthanded and making the other employees very angry. I didn't realize how much those situations still effect me. I witnessed more than my fair share of situations like that when my ex and I lived with his mother and they would argue on a nearly daily basis. We were under constant threat of getting kicked out and being homeless. What kind of a jerk would ever risk that? I had a problem with confrontation before that and after that I really couldn't handle it at all. Now, once I am in it I can deal with it well but I still try and take the peacemaker route :).
   I really hope that I will continue to heal as more things are brought up from my past so I can look it in the eye and send it packing with my other baggage that has already been sent on it's merry way! I have found that sometimes even just labeling it for what it was, helps and then I can move on and be happy!

Holy Crow!!

So I am feeling a lil overwhelmed again. I really need to remember how to not get completely stressed out about everything. Actually, things are going pretty well I am just a lil hormonal from having my monthly visitor this week. That's what I'm blaming it on anyway lol. So, to make myself feel better I am going to do a lil self-check in for the major areas of life so I can see where I need to improve and where I can pat myself on the back and say good job :)
    Spiritually; doing much better in this area than in times past. I can go to the temple and have been going weekly this month!! YEA!! That is more frequently than I ever went when I had my recommend 6 years ago! I do need to start reading my scriptures more consistently though. The reason I haven't been very good about this is that I want to set up a schedule for myself to accomplish certain things each day and I feel like I can't do that until I have my room cleaned and organized. Super not cool on that falsehood! I need to read my scriptures no matter what is going on with the state of my room!! Ok, now that I've righted that wrong I can move on!
   Mentally; I need to journal more so that I am getting thoughts down on paper for future reference and release. That way when I start freaking out about something I can go back and read again some inspiration I got or an idea I received while pondering a problem. I also need to start studying Spanish so I can freakin understand my coworkers and the one elderly Hispanic person at work. That would make all of our lives easier rather than expecting people who live in an English-speaking country to learn the language lol.
   Physically; I have actually been losing weight since counting calories! But, I need to watch my snacking at home and quit drinking the freakin pop again!! During the whole month of May I only had one or two sodas! I gave up pop for like 7 months a year ago so I KNOW I can do it again and that it will help me lose weight! I also need need need to exercise! I am getting a ton of exercise at work but it's not enough if I really want to shed some poundage before the family reunion in August! I want to stop having to buy clothes in 2x or 3x!! I want to be able to shop in the regular section of the stores and not have to hunt around for the "plus size" area! It's ridiculous! I used to fit in a size 14! I would be happy with even just an 18! I have tons of cute jeans in that size and would love love love to get into them again! That's only 2 sizes down from what I am now!!!
    Emotionally; So this is the area of my life that is holding back my weight loss because something is hurting and I feel like I have to protect myself still. WRONG! I am the most safe I have ever been! I am not in any kind of abusive relationships, I have an amazing support group in my family and friends, I go to church and have an awesome ward, I know that my family love me, I know my Heavenly Father loves me! I think that's where I have been having the disconnect lately. I need to get back to the basics and strengthen my relationship with my Father in Heaven so that everything else can fall into place. PROBLEM SOLVED!!!!

I figured some stuff out...

Like the title says I have done a lot of learning and growing lately. And no that was not a fat joke lol. Anyhoo, my ex randomly followed through with seeing the kids on the 24th last month and insisted on coming back for another visit yesterday on the 7th. Come to find out he has been making a lot of changes in his life that are most likely influencing his choice to see the kids after 6 years. He is getting married, for the 4th time, to a lady that has a 4 year old. He actually has a job so he is paying child support and I gave him another bill for daycare and he didn't make a fuss at all which is weird. He also got the kids a ton of stuff for Easter and isn't complaining about all the gas money to come down here. So, I dunno what's up but I am learning how to have more faith in my Heavenly Father that this will all be ok and work out for the best interest of me and the kids because we are striving to do what is right. I was doing really good in that area of trusting in my Heavenly Father and then He stepped it up a notch so I wouldn't get too complacent lol. I know that all the trials we go through are for our benefit if we learn what He is trying to teach us. I have the faith that if I continue to do all I can to live as He would have me live, that I will be blessed with an AMAZING eternal companion that will be the good loving and righteous father that the kids have always wanted.
I know that Satan is trying with all his might to lead me astray once again but I also know that Heavenly Father LOVES ME with all His might and He is soooo much more powerful than Satan! He has shown His love for me over and over again as He has used those in tune with the Spirit, to help bring me back to the straight and narrow path. If He didn't care, He would have given up on me long ago. He loves me, and He loves my ex husband too. That part has been really difficult for me to realize and accept. How could He love the good and the bad? But then I realized that His love is like the love I have for my sweet daughter Hannah. She makes some really horrible choices and while I don't love her choices, I still love her and desire all that is good for her. Heavenly Father feels the same about my ex. He doesn't condone the bad choices that he has made and continues to make, but He still loves him despite all of that junk. I can pray for my ex that he will start making good choices again without having to love him as a husband again. He had that chance already and trod it in the mud and does not have to be allowed that privilege ever again.
I also know that I am strong enough to get the kids and I through this trial with hope and happiness no matter what happens. I can never get prideful or arrogant with my strength but I can rest securely in the knowledge that Heavenly Father is powerful enough for all of us and I merely have to trust in Him no matter what comes our way!

Ahhhh the Good Life... or so I was told!

It really is never completely perfect in this life and the sooner I realize that then the better off my life will be. Things are going really well at work which I started on the 10th of January at Beehive Homes in Provo. I got a day shift from 7-3 so the kids are at the daycare in the morning for an hour and then an hour in the afternoon :). Works out great and it only costs me $40 more than what I was paying people to sleep at my house but that is only thanks to the State Assistance otherwise my entire paycheck would be going to pay daycare each month! Anyhoo, as things are settling in that way, Hannah has become a lot more psycho! But I was talking to a sister in my ward about her and she said her daughter was very much that same way when 3rd grade hit. She said she thinks it was from the growth that the girls experience at that age where they are discovering a little more of who they are. It totally clicked and made sense! Once again many thanks to a kind and loving Heavenly Father that puts people in our lives right when we need them as long as we are in the right place ;)

I Missed This....

So it has been a while since I blogged last but every time I got on the puter I just was lazy and didn't want to do anything! anyhoo, exciting news! I got a new job! I know I was only at the other one for 4 months but they were totally tarded and mismanaged everything including the funds for paychecks! So, I started looking around and contacted a care center I applied at back in July and they were hiring for the day shift and their day shift is from 7-3!! AWESOME!!! Especially since no credible daycare is open at 5:30! Now the kids will get to go back to daycare and I will get to sleep in my own dang bed!!! AWESOME BLESSINGS!!!!!!! More later because I have to go get ready for one of my last shifts of graveyard madness.....

Stupidity is rampant

I really hate it when people say their baby was "unexpected" or an "accident" or have a ton of kids really close together without praying about it and just say they guess that's what Heavenly Father wanted to have happen! Seriously people if you don't have sex you can't make babies! Simple as that! And I know that there are certain families that have lots of kids close together after PRAYERFUL consideration and PLANNING because for one reason or another that was what was part of the plan for their lives! To do it any other way is prideful and irresponsible! I made a bad choice of whom I had my kids with so I know the pain and regret that can come with not having Heavenly Father's help and guidance in this process!!! Now my greatest wish is to be able to have a second chance and have a family with an amazing worthy priesthood holder that can be the father to my kids that their dad never was! But, I am not blessed with that right now so I just have to have faith and try not to shoot people that are soooo flippin stupid about their choices like I once was!

Much Better

Today was sooo much better than last night! I had a really good night at work cuz my buddy Cade was working and he always comes and talks to me for a bit and then I was working on a puzzle they had out and that made the time go by soooooo fast!
I only got 3 1/2 hours of sleep but I wasn't tired at church AT ALL!! Such a huge blessing! And I got to take the Sacrament again which is something I always took for granted before but the promises and blessings are so wonderful and I am so thankful! The talks and lessons were great and then we went to choir and Hannah's friend Gina was there so they played pretty quietly while we sang. I got asked to give the closing prayer in Relief Society and after choir and I didn't have to politely decline this time! So awesome I can't get over it!! I also read some awesome scriptures on faith that were in the book of Alma in the book of Mormon that really helped me get through my depression about being a divorced single mom and not having a lot of hope for a future husband. I am trying to remember every time I have doubts that I was promised "him" in a blessing given to me by a worthy priesthood holder and that Heavenly Father will prompt me if necessary to be a certain place if that needs to happen that way or He can prompt someone to set me up on a date with someone they know in order for us to meet. The possibilities are infinite because His power is infinite as is His love for his children and I'm sure my future spouse is praying for me too :)