I figured some stuff out...

Like the title says I have done a lot of learning and growing lately. And no that was not a fat joke lol. Anyhoo, my ex randomly followed through with seeing the kids on the 24th last month and insisted on coming back for another visit yesterday on the 7th. Come to find out he has been making a lot of changes in his life that are most likely influencing his choice to see the kids after 6 years. He is getting married, for the 4th time, to a lady that has a 4 year old. He actually has a job so he is paying child support and I gave him another bill for daycare and he didn't make a fuss at all which is weird. He also got the kids a ton of stuff for Easter and isn't complaining about all the gas money to come down here. So, I dunno what's up but I am learning how to have more faith in my Heavenly Father that this will all be ok and work out for the best interest of me and the kids because we are striving to do what is right. I was doing really good in that area of trusting in my Heavenly Father and then He stepped it up a notch so I wouldn't get too complacent lol. I know that all the trials we go through are for our benefit if we learn what He is trying to teach us. I have the faith that if I continue to do all I can to live as He would have me live, that I will be blessed with an AMAZING eternal companion that will be the good loving and righteous father that the kids have always wanted.
I know that Satan is trying with all his might to lead me astray once again but I also know that Heavenly Father LOVES ME with all His might and He is soooo much more powerful than Satan! He has shown His love for me over and over again as He has used those in tune with the Spirit, to help bring me back to the straight and narrow path. If He didn't care, He would have given up on me long ago. He loves me, and He loves my ex husband too. That part has been really difficult for me to realize and accept. How could He love the good and the bad? But then I realized that His love is like the love I have for my sweet daughter Hannah. She makes some really horrible choices and while I don't love her choices, I still love her and desire all that is good for her. Heavenly Father feels the same about my ex. He doesn't condone the bad choices that he has made and continues to make, but He still loves him despite all of that junk. I can pray for my ex that he will start making good choices again without having to love him as a husband again. He had that chance already and trod it in the mud and does not have to be allowed that privilege ever again.
I also know that I am strong enough to get the kids and I through this trial with hope and happiness no matter what happens. I can never get prideful or arrogant with my strength but I can rest securely in the knowledge that Heavenly Father is powerful enough for all of us and I merely have to trust in Him no matter what comes our way!

Ahhhh the Good Life... or so I was told!

It really is never completely perfect in this life and the sooner I realize that then the better off my life will be. Things are going really well at work which I started on the 10th of January at Beehive Homes in Provo. I got a day shift from 7-3 so the kids are at the daycare in the morning for an hour and then an hour in the afternoon :). Works out great and it only costs me $40 more than what I was paying people to sleep at my house but that is only thanks to the State Assistance otherwise my entire paycheck would be going to pay daycare each month! Anyhoo, as things are settling in that way, Hannah has become a lot more psycho! But I was talking to a sister in my ward about her and she said her daughter was very much that same way when 3rd grade hit. She said she thinks it was from the growth that the girls experience at that age where they are discovering a little more of who they are. It totally clicked and made sense! Once again many thanks to a kind and loving Heavenly Father that puts people in our lives right when we need them as long as we are in the right place ;)

I Missed This....

So it has been a while since I blogged last but every time I got on the puter I just was lazy and didn't want to do anything! anyhoo, exciting news! I got a new job! I know I was only at the other one for 4 months but they were totally tarded and mismanaged everything including the funds for paychecks! So, I started looking around and contacted a care center I applied at back in July and they were hiring for the day shift and their day shift is from 7-3!! AWESOME!!! Especially since no credible daycare is open at 5:30! Now the kids will get to go back to daycare and I will get to sleep in my own dang bed!!! AWESOME BLESSINGS!!!!!!! More later because I have to go get ready for one of my last shifts of graveyard madness.....

Stupidity is rampant

I really hate it when people say their baby was "unexpected" or an "accident" or have a ton of kids really close together without praying about it and just say they guess that's what Heavenly Father wanted to have happen! Seriously people if you don't have sex you can't make babies! Simple as that! And I know that there are certain families that have lots of kids close together after PRAYERFUL consideration and PLANNING because for one reason or another that was what was part of the plan for their lives! To do it any other way is prideful and irresponsible! I made a bad choice of whom I had my kids with so I know the pain and regret that can come with not having Heavenly Father's help and guidance in this process!!! Now my greatest wish is to be able to have a second chance and have a family with an amazing worthy priesthood holder that can be the father to my kids that their dad never was! But, I am not blessed with that right now so I just have to have faith and try not to shoot people that are soooo flippin stupid about their choices like I once was!

Much Better

Today was sooo much better than last night! I had a really good night at work cuz my buddy Cade was working and he always comes and talks to me for a bit and then I was working on a puzzle they had out and that made the time go by soooooo fast!
I only got 3 1/2 hours of sleep but I wasn't tired at church AT ALL!! Such a huge blessing! And I got to take the Sacrament again which is something I always took for granted before but the promises and blessings are so wonderful and I am so thankful! The talks and lessons were great and then we went to choir and Hannah's friend Gina was there so they played pretty quietly while we sang. I got asked to give the closing prayer in Relief Society and after choir and I didn't have to politely decline this time! So awesome I can't get over it!! I also read some awesome scriptures on faith that were in the book of Alma in the book of Mormon that really helped me get through my depression about being a divorced single mom and not having a lot of hope for a future husband. I am trying to remember every time I have doubts that I was promised "him" in a blessing given to me by a worthy priesthood holder and that Heavenly Father will prompt me if necessary to be a certain place if that needs to happen that way or He can prompt someone to set me up on a date with someone they know in order for us to meet. The possibilities are infinite because His power is infinite as is His love for his children and I'm sure my future spouse is praying for me too :)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SOOO not fair! But then again life really is never fair is it? So, one of my high school friends is getting married again, didn't tell me at all, is having an open house in SLC that I found out about because of a post on his sister's FB page! How lame is that? And this is coming from a guy that said he would never get married again, wanted to mess around instead but not willing to date (rejected that loser idea) so that's just another slap in the face! ARG! I know I am trying to process this under period hormones and emotions so none of this is rational but it doesn't make it hurt any less. So, now the wedding count is up to 3 people I am close to and 3 people I know who are happily married and pregnant. Carolyn's count for anything that is not stressful but just pure happiness: a big fat ZERO! I am really trying to have faith that those things will happen for me again and maybe this is just another test to see if I will lose my faith because everyone around me is getting everything I want out of life?! I am going to work really hard on that whole faith thing cuz I am really lacking it right now! I can't help but wonder how on earth I will ever even date let alone find someone worth marrying and if I do will I be too old to have the children I keep feeling are waiting to come to my family? K a faithful person would say at this point that it's in the Lord's hands cuz I am doing everything I am supposed to do: I am going to church, I went through the repentance process and am worthy now, I read my scriptures, say my prayers (constantly), and try and teach my children what is right and true. So, after that, it's no longer up to me! Heavenly Father knows I can't go to a single's ward, can't go to single's activities cuz I work nearly every night that they have them, and I have a precious few friends cuz no one wants to hang out with a single mom. So, there ya have it! By all logical reason, I will never get married again! But, perhaps, Heavenly Father will be able to work through someone I know in order to make things happen cuz I have no other options! Of course I don't want to take more time away from the kids to date but maybe they will forgive me if I can get them a great Dad cuz of it? :)

More Updates...

Jon and Morgan are officially married! Sooo happy for them! They were just goofy happy all day! I have never seen Jon so perfectly happy so it made it that much better! The St. George temple is stunning and beautiful as well so it just added to the beautiful and spiritual feeling of the day. My job was to watch Lizzie and Tyler while Karen and Nate were in the temple. I have to admit I was a lil nervous cuz I know my kids can get their kids all riled up but all of my and other's prayers were answered and all of them behaved VERY well! Such a huge blessing on such a special day! I really wish I would have been able to go to the ceremony but I am thankful that I was able to watch the kids cuz no one else was available to be able to help watch them so it worked better that way! The reception was fun and a bit more laid back feel to it but it was beautifully decorated with white table clothes and chair covers with blue bows on the back. The cake was pretty odd with the bride and groom figures but it's what they wanted so it works! They also had dancing which was way fun!! I will definitely copy that when I get married again! It will be one big party for sure!!