It's Been Quite a Year!!

    Super craziness batman!! I can't believe what a difference a year can make!! Shortly after my last post, things got pretty serious with an amazing man I had known for 2 years at work! He was a cook there and I always admired how well he treated the residents and he his food was always AMAZING!! He never really seemed too interested in dating me but was always a huge flirt so I never took things seriously with him. In May he started taking the kids and I out to dinner on Mondays which was his night off. It was fun but like I said I never really took him seriously about future prospects. In July, we went out to eat by ourselves cuz a sweet lady that worked at the same place offered to watch the kids when she was supposed to come with us all. We went to Tucanos and had super delicious food and then went to a movie and sat super close but didn't really cuddle or anything. On the 6th of August, I invited him over to "help" me put my kitchen back together after the water heater broke and flooded it. He ended up taking a nap on the couch lol. In the past I would have been offended that I didn't warrant his attention but instead I felt good that he felt so comfortable in my home that he could snooze comfortably. At the time he was working 2 jobs and working in the community garden that his church owned to provide fresh vegetables for the Food and Care Coalition that feeds the homeless. So, he really deserved a nice comfy place to nap lol. The next day, he got a second degree burn at work and called me from the hospital and so I asked him to come over so I could help take care of him and get his pain prescription etc. That evening we sat on the couch and talked with a movie on the T.V. in the background and he shared a lot of his childhood with me and it made me fall head over heels in love with him! He never let his difficulties in life turn him away from Heavenly Father and he knew He had guided people into his life to help him when he needed it most! After that night we pretty much spent every minute together that we could :) We had our first kiss on August 9th and haven't stopped since lol!
    On October 1st, we went back to Tucanos for dinner and walked around the Riverwoods shopping area for a little bit then found a bench to sit on. It was under some Christmas type lights they strung across over the walkway and the sun was just starting to set. Pretty much the most romantic atmosphere ever :) That was when he asked me to be his wife and I said yes!! I knew it was coming and had prayed about it long before it got to that moment and felt that I should marry him if he asked!
   The next few months were spent with him meeting my family and making wedding preparations which were fun for the most part. We paid for everything for the wedding ourselves but had tons and tons of family support and help especially the day of!! We were married in his church on February 7th of this year and had a short but sweet ceremony. He was a lil emotional and it made me love him even more!! Of course I was awesome and tried to put his ring on the wrong hand lol! And our flower girl was super cute and forgot to put the petals down on her way to the front and put them down for our exit instead LOL! The reception was a lil disorganized  but we did do our first dance even though most of the guests had left and we got cake in each other's faces like I always wanted to do! Nothing ever goes perfectly or as planned but at the end of the day it was more important that we were married than anything else!!
    We spent the night at the Hilton downtown in SLC and then left for our honeymoon in Los Cabos, Mexico the next day! It was sooooo beautiful in Mexico and we had perfect weather the whole time we were there!! It was by far the best week of my life!!!
    A few weeks after we got back, on the 21st of February to be exact, we found out we were expecting a sweet lil baby!! We were completely over-joyed!! We had talked about having a baby right away since we aren't getting any younger and wanted to be able to really enjoy our baby and not be old farts when the baby was older!
    In May we moved in to our first home! It is amazing and perfect for us! It was built in the 50's but the inside has been completely updated and repainted in neutral colors so it is calming and wonderful! It has 5 bedrooms so Hannah and Isaac don't have to share a room ever again!! WOO HOO!! And our sweet lil baby will have it's own room too :)
  Speaking of baby, we found out we are having a boy! That made my sweet husband even more excited for his arrival! I know he would have loved his baby girl if that's what we were blessed with but I am really happy for him to have a son to carry on his last name. We are slowly but surely getting things ready for his arrival which we are anticipating on October 26th :) We have the car seat and outfit to bring him home in and that's about it lol! A lady we used to work with said she wants to throw us a babyshower though so I have been registering for the basics and some fun stuff on Amazon and Wal-Mart.com so hopefully we will have everything by the time he gets here lol!
     Well, now that we are all caught up on the major highlights, I will peace out for a bit lol hopefully more updates to come and not quite so far apart lol

Here I Go Again On My Own...

And so it begins again with the kids' sperm donor dropping off the face of the earth. He has missed the last 4 visits and only gave excuses for the first 2 he missed. I am both frustrated and relieved by this unexpected turn of events. I figured eventually he would give up and move on as is his pattern, but he has stuck with it for a lil over a year so I thought there was a slight chance he could have pulled his head far enough out of the ground to realize his responsibilities. Nope, that's not true. So now, I have to put more of a burden on my sweet family because I still have to work every other weekend. The kids are getting bounced around as we have to accommodate everyone's busy schedules and it's hard on them and on me because I get major anxiety every time they are with my family. I worry that they will become bitter about watching my kids and how their behavior can be so very awful at times and if they will in turn grow to hate their aunts and uncles and my parents for having to become authority figures in their lives. My sweet Mother was trying to reassure me today that the family loves my kids and loves to have the opportunity to provide service for one another and that it isn't a burden to watch them. I really have a hard time believing that but I really have to try and get that in my head or these gastritis attacks I've been having are going to kill my stomach.
   STRESS: yes this has been a major factor in my existence of late. I have been stressing about everything and working really hard to let things go instead of bury the emotions cuz I can't deal with any more. It's a very freeing idea but such a hard concept to apply. What does it really mean to let something go? Does it mean you never re-live that experience or does it mean that you accept that experience as a part of you that shapes the future... maybe I need to word that differently... I feel like those experiences I've had that have caused the most pain in my life, have caused me to fear certain things. For example, because of my experiences with my ex husband, I have a pretty deep seeded fear of men. I hadn't realized until now that's the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I think about dating or just texting with a guy I like. It's fear. I fear that any man I let in my life will hurt me. The truth is, I choose whether or not I am hurt. Elenor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" and that is soooooo true!!! Some one can call me every name in the book but I don't have to accept any of them as truth. A man may try and use me to make himself feel better but I choose how I let him make me feel and if I don't like anything about him, I get to choose if he remains in my life. I am not required to keep someone in that role in my life for any reason! I never have to fear dating a man and having him judge me! I am a good person and have so very much to offer in a relationship that any man would be thanking Heavenly Father for having me in their life because I LOVE to make other people happy and smile and love their life! That was a bit of a run-on sentence but I needed that affirmation! I can look forward to meeting new people and getting to know all about them :) That will put them at ease if I am confident in myself and desire to know about what makes them tic!
   I really do have so many things to be thankful for and I need to stop being so afraid!! I know that if I trust in Heavenly Father, I can bounce back from any situation and come out on top!
  Now to put all my preaching into practice and not let fear rule another minute of my life!

Who's Ready For Round Two?

   So I really thought things were getting better but here we go again! Isaac has decided that it's awesome to yell and scream and punch and kick over the smallest inconvenience he has to endure. He used to be soooo sweet and kind and gave super great hugs all the time. Now he has become evil spawn! Not quite sure what to do with him but he will continue to go to therapy and we will try and find a better solution than what we've been dealing with. I keep forgetting to pray first. I forget that Heavenly Father knows exactly what Isaac needs! As I was typing this the words Time and Love came to mind. I will have to actually pray to expound on those thoughts but those seem easy enough to give. But then I realize why Isaac would feel he isn't getting those things because we are so busy doing things for Hannah and focusing on her I am sure he feels left out. He probably figures that Hannah got all the attention she gets now by acting that way so it should work for him. I wish there was a way for him to understand that it's better to get positive attention by making good choices but any attention is still attention in his mind.
   I have also been lacking the faith that I will get married again. Every time I examine the logistics of the situation, it appears hopeless. I cannot take more time away from my kids right now to seek after a father for them but that's exactly what they need. I know that we can be a great family with just me as their mother but I also know what a difference a father would make to them. True they have a biological father but they have some deep-seeded issues with that character. They need a man who can show Isaac how to be a man that respects others and himself so that he can eventually be a husband and father. They need a father that will play games with them and show them how to play sports (cuz I suck at sports lol) and will play outside and inside rain or shine. They need a father that will love their mother and show Isaac how to treat a woman and Hannah how a woman is supposed to be treated. It's all well and good to tell them these things but they need that example in the home. And I am just flat out lonely! I love my kids but they cannot and should not try and replace that sacred relationship. I know I can be happy no matter what but if we're making wish lists that is on the top of mine.

S.A.D.

Like the title says, this is indeed Single Awareness Day (formerly known as Valentine's Day). I have really been feeling it this year. I think my biological clock is to blame. I turned 30 in January and that was really difficult to come to grips with. Especially out in Utah where everyone is married and has 5 kids by my age. If I were anywhere else in the continental U.S., I would be a tiny bit on the late side of getting married but perfectly normal. As it stands, not being married at 30 is strange and then you factor in the whole having 2 kids thing and ya might as well sign me up for cat of the month club! Sadly, since I am allergic to cats I can't even become the classic cat lady! ugh!
   I have reached a point in my life now where the stress of the dreaded ex is lessening and Hannah is behaving so much better than she used to so I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't not had something to stress over since I was 12! Which would explain my gastritis :) I really want to finally focus on myself and getting fit and happy in every way possible! I just got my tax return back and so I got a Wii for the kids and I. I got it on Amazon.com so I was able to get the console, 2 controllers, and 4 games for $150. Yeah that's how I roll :) Anyhoo, the kids love playing Just Dance at my sister's houses so I got Just Dance 3 for us to play. It doesn't take long before I start sweating with that so I am confident that it will be great exercise for all of us!
   Speaking of exercise, Hannah started taking swimming lessons on January 4th and she absolutely LOVES them! She might be part fish but it's amazing how well she is doing in such a short amount of time. She even behaves at school in order to participate in her lessons instead of watching them if she misbehaves. I really am proud of her and I really hope she wants to join the swim team with the rec center so that she can get great friends that have a common interest :)
   Anyhoo, hopefully now that I don't have to worry about the ex and work is going better, I will be able to get control of my home too! It's just a 2 bedroom apartment but it has been like a black hole lately! The kids' room is a complete disaster but everywhere else is mostly clean (yes even my room!). I know if I strive to maintain control of myself then I will be able to make my home a haven from the nuttiness of the outside world!
   One day at a time.....

Money is AWESOME when ya have it...

So, the workout train has been temporarily derailed and the money train is still lost in transit. That is the equation for mucho stress for Carolyn. I know one will not fix the other but both of them would decrease my stress for sure! Anyhoo, I had pinned a link for a financial advice blog on pinterest months ago and never really looked closely at it until tonight when I was really panicking about my finances. My ex being the wonderful human being that he is, has stopped paying child support once again and doesn't contribute to the daycare bill at all so things have increased in tightness. I also gave in to some dangerous spending habits during a pretty toxic friendship that has thankfully ended. But, the credit card bills have not ended after that 2 month long spree. Thankfully the damage is not nearly as extensive as it used to get but it isn't good either. Right now my debt is more than one month's income and previously it was 3 times my monthly income so I am doing substantially better than before! WOO HOO! Gotta celebrate the progress! The problem is, I have my car registration due this month as well as emissions and safety and then next month is Christmas and I would love love love to get my family some really nice gifts this year. But, since I's po folk, I am going to have to get really creative and just give them gifts that are either something I can make quickly or gifts of service! Which, in my humble opinion, are much better gifts anyway! Or, I could do those cute jars with the ingredients for a yummy holiday treat!
Moving on..... the part that I connected with most from the blog was that the lady that wrote it was very much like me in her spending habits but she decided that it was just time to grow up and do this! No more panic when the bills are due because the money is there and wasn't spent on something frivolous! Now, it's not that I will never do anything fun with the kids or what-have-you, but it will be within the budget and not every time we are bored or every weekend etc like we do now because every penny counts when things are this tight! She had tips for every way of making those super tight pennies stretch even farther like only drying clothes in the dryer for 10 minutes then drying them on one of those racks for the rest of the day. That would save me tons in utility bills because my dryer is an old electric one. Anyhoo, I am really going to try this month to remember all those little things that can help save money. It will take a lot of effort with the kids to cut down on that waste they do naturally cuz they don't think it's a big deal, but it will be worth it!
  Wish me luck!!

Oh yeah!

Just did 45 minutes of Yoga! I hate it when people knock Yoga like it's not a workout cuz my muscles will tell a different story! I am feelin the burn but rejuvenated at the same time! Woo hoo!
  So, that makes my second day in a row of working out and I am feeling in control of this stuff for once in a long time!

How About This Time?

Previous to August, I lost 15 pounds. Then my lovely exhusband took me to court and I promptly gained back 8 of those pounds from dealing with all the old junk again. So, now I have the joy of losing that weight previously lost plus the rest of the junk. I have a fantastic plan in place to not eat junk and to work out 6 days a week. The reason I know I can work out that much without dying is that I work very hard at my job and it is no longer as hard as it was previously. So, I now have the super fun times of pushing my body harder so that it creates more muscle to burn more fat. I am not going to track my weight but I will record my workouts and if I find some yummy food that is also nutritious I will put it on here as well. I'm not going to track my weight for a while because I will be replacing my fat with muscle and a pound still weighs a pound if it's fat or muscle. The beauty will be in how my clothes fit because muscle takes up less space than fat so I will be looking better but the numbers may not reflect that. I am putting this rationale on here for when I get frustrated lol.
  Well, wish me luck!