Yesterday I got a call from my Gynecologist about my blood work they did on Monday. They said my vitamin D was low and they were calling in a prescription for it and I needed to take an over the counter supplement as well. No big deal a lot of women are vitamin D deficient and it can be corrected. Then, they hit me with my a1c number: 5.7...pre-diabetic... well shit! Both my parents have diabetes, my oldest sister, and the next one in line was pre-diabetic a few months ago.

     They said I needed to make sure I changed my diet to lots of veggies, protein, and a few simple carbs and to cut out all sugar. They also said I needed to start exercising as well. All things I knew I should have been doing for years. All things that seem so simple because not following those instructions will lead to diabetes and death.

     And yet, this little voice that is CONSTANTLY going off in the back of my mind, says, "NAW it's no big deal and you can't give up the sugar you need it to survive all you're going through! If you give it up you'll never be able to deal with life and you'll die" Like literally that is what is constantly in my mind! I think about every place I have sugar or where I can get some next time I go out of the house! I think about all the juicy burgers and fries and milkshakes and all these delicious things...THAT ARE KILLING ME...and I don't care! What the hell point have I gotten to in my life that I literally want to die and am using food to do it??

     How do I start loving myself enough to make these changes in my life? How do I put my health first so that I can have a future with my babies and my hubby?? Good grief I need help! I need someone standing by my side every second of the day saying I love you and you can do this! Oh wait, I do have that!! I have a loving Heavenly Father who helped me catch this all before I became diabetic! He blessed me with a loving family and friends who look out for me and want me to succeed!! He blessed me with intelligence to be able to make this work! He blessed me with a huge helping of stubbornness that I can now use for something good instead of using it to fight everything that isn't going perfectly!

     Another blessing I've had this week is learning to open my heart back up to Heavenly Father. All growing up, I never believed that He loved me truly because of all of the abuse I dealt with when I was little. I thought I must be sooooo bad that not even God loves me enough to stop this! So that is the core belief system I had about myself. I thought I was lower than the lowest scum and there was never going to be anyone that really loved me. When I started opening up my heart to Him and trusting Him, He flooded my heart with love and peace like I haven'f felt in YEARS! He has been pouring out blessing after blessing just because I stopped rejecting them!! I was closed off to them because I thought He allowed me to be hurt. He is our Father and he LOVES us even more than we love our own children!! It's impossible to imagine that kind of love since I love my kids so damn much!! He has only ever wanted me to be healthy and happy and successful! He wants all the good things for me and all of His children! He WANTS to bless me with them but I have to be open to receive them and I have to WORK!!

     I want the blessing of good health so I have to do the work, and He will pour out those blessings on me!!

Celebrating...Everything!

    I used to think that celebrations should only be for special occasions and should ALWAYS include delicious food! Over the past few years, I have really had to work hard to change that mindset. My issues with food have given me the "excuse" to celebrate every little thing throughout the day and to use sugar to do so. Obviously, over time, this has had a very detrimental effect on my health. My low point was as I was waiting to undergo a non-stress test on my baby girl, I saw part of my chart the nurse had in her hand and by my weight they had written "morbidly obese". Those are two words no one really ever wants to see let alone see when you are about 36 weeks into your 5th pregnancy. I could, of course, make every excuse in the book as to how I got to that point but it really doesn't matter!! I was the largest I have ever been in my life and I hated myself for it. Seriously so much hate and self-loathing it was so difficult to keep sane and keep going. Thankfully I did, and I learned a whole lot about myself along the way.
 

At my heaviest, about to give birth to my 8 pound 5 ounce baby girl, I weighed 302.4 lbs. I vividly remember in high school at the end of my freshman year, weighing 194 lbs and freaking out that I was almost 200 pounds and how disgusting that was! I started watching what I was eating and made sure I was more active in my day and I got down to 174 I think. I still felt like I needed to lose more but I was proud of dropping that weight.
    After my sophomore and junior years in high school, we had a really difficult year my senior year of high school and the weight started coming back on. I don't know how much I weighed at the time but I was a size 18 and had to buy new clothes when I moved from Colorado to Utah because none of my size 16 clothes fit anymore. I finally found a job in Tooele, started college, and was trying to carve out a social life and trying to date. I had no self esteem whatsoever after years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse from my brother growing up so I was easy pickings for my ex husband.
   I endured 4 years of literal hell with him before finally filing for divorce when I was 23 years old with 2 small children. My weight had skyrocketed during that time to 254 lbs.
   Shortly after my divorce, I started working and started some pretty stupid eating habits that lead to me losing 38 pounds. That was awesome to get almost back down to the clothes I had after high school! I was soooo close and then got pregnant by a moronic ex boyfriend who said he couldn't have kids and I foolishly believed him. One of my sisters adopted that sweet baby girl because I for sure could not handle raising her on my own and she didn't deserve the lifestyle I was able to give my older two kids.
    My weight just bounced up and down for years after that. I would get going really good on exercising and eating better and INVARIABLY something would happen that would just pull the rug right out from under me! It was so bad for my depression and anxiety that I have been suicidal many times over the years.
 

This past November, after Thanksgiving, I decided to finally take the bull by the horns and just handle my business! I started with Beachbody's Ultimate Reset. It was a 21 day eating program to flush all the crap out of your system and get you eating clean. I did FANTASTIC!!! I only had one cheat meal the entire 21 days and that was because we had a work Christmas party for my husband's new job. I thought this was it! I was finally going to kick these demons in my head!! PSYCH! As soon as the program was over I used every excuse known to mankind to eat crap! At first it was just one little treat in the middle of the day which I would beat myself up emotionally for the rest of the day. Then it progressed to more and more sweets as we really got close to Christmas. Then came New Year's Eve and then my birthday and the excuses were easier and easier to come by.
    Now, tomorrow, I am starting over again. I am not making any promises that this is going to drastically change my life. What I am promising myself, is that I will follow this program to the "T" and there is nothing that is more important than my health!