It Almost Worked

Today was pretty good for the most part. I went to the temple with my niece and then got my hair cut by another niece and then spent the rest of the day on my butt lol. I did get some laundry done but chose to chill on the couch with a fan on me and watching shows on hulu. I don't know if it was just the heat or just laziness but I definitely have to do better tomorrow! I really think it was all psychological today cuz any time I have any run in with any remotely abusive situation, it throws me for a huge loop. It's amazing to me the extent of emotional abuse. I really don't think enough emphasis is placed on it. An understandably majority of focus is placed on physical abuse but emotional abuse is equally as damaging. A bruise heals but the emotional abuse behind it lasts much much longer. When I got the black eye from going down the water slide with Isaac, I had to endure the stares and the questions of what happened. Thankfully I had the truth of a fun time gone horribly wrong. It all got me thinking though that my ex husband could have easily given me one just like it. How would I have explained it? Would I lie or excuse his behavior? Most likely. I know that sickening feeling now of people assuming you've been abused and doing and saying nothing about it. What could they do? They didn't see it happen so they don't know the truth and yet how many people are abused every day and people know about it and do nothing? It seriously churns my stomach thinking that I was in that situation with my ex. I put myself and then my sweet children at risk every day we stayed with him. Thankfully we have a loving Father in Heaven that put special people in our lives that helped correct the huge mistakes I made. My wonderful parents were there to love and support us no matter what stupid choice I made. They helped me see the direct violation of love and trust that my ex made on a daily basis with his lies, manipulations, and controlling behavior. They never forced me into anything but merely pointed out what was too obvious for me to see. I cannot begin to express the depth of my gratitude to them and Heavenly Father for bringing me into their family. I used to hate my life as a pre-teen and most of my teen years and couldn't wait to meet my prince charming and start a family but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was given amazing parents that could lead and guide me through the extremely difficult trials that I would face because of my poor choices.
  So my start of this particular rant was because of a confrontation I witnessed at Burger King after the temple and before I got my hair cut. The manager was yelling at an employee and the employee was yelling back so he told her to clock out leaving them shorthanded and making the other employees very angry. I didn't realize how much those situations still effect me. I witnessed more than my fair share of situations like that when my ex and I lived with his mother and they would argue on a nearly daily basis. We were under constant threat of getting kicked out and being homeless. What kind of a jerk would ever risk that? I had a problem with confrontation before that and after that I really couldn't handle it at all. Now, once I am in it I can deal with it well but I still try and take the peacemaker route :).
   I really hope that I will continue to heal as more things are brought up from my past so I can look it in the eye and send it packing with my other baggage that has already been sent on it's merry way! I have found that sometimes even just labeling it for what it was, helps and then I can move on and be happy!

Holy Crow!!

So I am feeling a lil overwhelmed again. I really need to remember how to not get completely stressed out about everything. Actually, things are going pretty well I am just a lil hormonal from having my monthly visitor this week. That's what I'm blaming it on anyway lol. So, to make myself feel better I am going to do a lil self-check in for the major areas of life so I can see where I need to improve and where I can pat myself on the back and say good job :)
    Spiritually; doing much better in this area than in times past. I can go to the temple and have been going weekly this month!! YEA!! That is more frequently than I ever went when I had my recommend 6 years ago! I do need to start reading my scriptures more consistently though. The reason I haven't been very good about this is that I want to set up a schedule for myself to accomplish certain things each day and I feel like I can't do that until I have my room cleaned and organized. Super not cool on that falsehood! I need to read my scriptures no matter what is going on with the state of my room!! Ok, now that I've righted that wrong I can move on!
   Mentally; I need to journal more so that I am getting thoughts down on paper for future reference and release. That way when I start freaking out about something I can go back and read again some inspiration I got or an idea I received while pondering a problem. I also need to start studying Spanish so I can freakin understand my coworkers and the one elderly Hispanic person at work. That would make all of our lives easier rather than expecting people who live in an English-speaking country to learn the language lol.
   Physically; I have actually been losing weight since counting calories! But, I need to watch my snacking at home and quit drinking the freakin pop again!! During the whole month of May I only had one or two sodas! I gave up pop for like 7 months a year ago so I KNOW I can do it again and that it will help me lose weight! I also need need need to exercise! I am getting a ton of exercise at work but it's not enough if I really want to shed some poundage before the family reunion in August! I want to stop having to buy clothes in 2x or 3x!! I want to be able to shop in the regular section of the stores and not have to hunt around for the "plus size" area! It's ridiculous! I used to fit in a size 14! I would be happy with even just an 18! I have tons of cute jeans in that size and would love love love to get into them again! That's only 2 sizes down from what I am now!!!
    Emotionally; So this is the area of my life that is holding back my weight loss because something is hurting and I feel like I have to protect myself still. WRONG! I am the most safe I have ever been! I am not in any kind of abusive relationships, I have an amazing support group in my family and friends, I go to church and have an awesome ward, I know that my family love me, I know my Heavenly Father loves me! I think that's where I have been having the disconnect lately. I need to get back to the basics and strengthen my relationship with my Father in Heaven so that everything else can fall into place. PROBLEM SOLVED!!!!