Here I Go Again On My Own...

And so it begins again with the kids' sperm donor dropping off the face of the earth. He has missed the last 4 visits and only gave excuses for the first 2 he missed. I am both frustrated and relieved by this unexpected turn of events. I figured eventually he would give up and move on as is his pattern, but he has stuck with it for a lil over a year so I thought there was a slight chance he could have pulled his head far enough out of the ground to realize his responsibilities. Nope, that's not true. So now, I have to put more of a burden on my sweet family because I still have to work every other weekend. The kids are getting bounced around as we have to accommodate everyone's busy schedules and it's hard on them and on me because I get major anxiety every time they are with my family. I worry that they will become bitter about watching my kids and how their behavior can be so very awful at times and if they will in turn grow to hate their aunts and uncles and my parents for having to become authority figures in their lives. My sweet Mother was trying to reassure me today that the family loves my kids and loves to have the opportunity to provide service for one another and that it isn't a burden to watch them. I really have a hard time believing that but I really have to try and get that in my head or these gastritis attacks I've been having are going to kill my stomach.
   STRESS: yes this has been a major factor in my existence of late. I have been stressing about everything and working really hard to let things go instead of bury the emotions cuz I can't deal with any more. It's a very freeing idea but such a hard concept to apply. What does it really mean to let something go? Does it mean you never re-live that experience or does it mean that you accept that experience as a part of you that shapes the future... maybe I need to word that differently... I feel like those experiences I've had that have caused the most pain in my life, have caused me to fear certain things. For example, because of my experiences with my ex husband, I have a pretty deep seeded fear of men. I hadn't realized until now that's the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I think about dating or just texting with a guy I like. It's fear. I fear that any man I let in my life will hurt me. The truth is, I choose whether or not I am hurt. Elenor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" and that is soooooo true!!! Some one can call me every name in the book but I don't have to accept any of them as truth. A man may try and use me to make himself feel better but I choose how I let him make me feel and if I don't like anything about him, I get to choose if he remains in my life. I am not required to keep someone in that role in my life for any reason! I never have to fear dating a man and having him judge me! I am a good person and have so very much to offer in a relationship that any man would be thanking Heavenly Father for having me in their life because I LOVE to make other people happy and smile and love their life! That was a bit of a run-on sentence but I needed that affirmation! I can look forward to meeting new people and getting to know all about them :) That will put them at ease if I am confident in myself and desire to know about what makes them tic!
   I really do have so many things to be thankful for and I need to stop being so afraid!! I know that if I trust in Heavenly Father, I can bounce back from any situation and come out on top!
  Now to put all my preaching into practice and not let fear rule another minute of my life!

Who's Ready For Round Two?

   So I really thought things were getting better but here we go again! Isaac has decided that it's awesome to yell and scream and punch and kick over the smallest inconvenience he has to endure. He used to be soooo sweet and kind and gave super great hugs all the time. Now he has become evil spawn! Not quite sure what to do with him but he will continue to go to therapy and we will try and find a better solution than what we've been dealing with. I keep forgetting to pray first. I forget that Heavenly Father knows exactly what Isaac needs! As I was typing this the words Time and Love came to mind. I will have to actually pray to expound on those thoughts but those seem easy enough to give. But then I realize why Isaac would feel he isn't getting those things because we are so busy doing things for Hannah and focusing on her I am sure he feels left out. He probably figures that Hannah got all the attention she gets now by acting that way so it should work for him. I wish there was a way for him to understand that it's better to get positive attention by making good choices but any attention is still attention in his mind.
   I have also been lacking the faith that I will get married again. Every time I examine the logistics of the situation, it appears hopeless. I cannot take more time away from my kids right now to seek after a father for them but that's exactly what they need. I know that we can be a great family with just me as their mother but I also know what a difference a father would make to them. True they have a biological father but they have some deep-seeded issues with that character. They need a man who can show Isaac how to be a man that respects others and himself so that he can eventually be a husband and father. They need a father that will play games with them and show them how to play sports (cuz I suck at sports lol) and will play outside and inside rain or shine. They need a father that will love their mother and show Isaac how to treat a woman and Hannah how a woman is supposed to be treated. It's all well and good to tell them these things but they need that example in the home. And I am just flat out lonely! I love my kids but they cannot and should not try and replace that sacred relationship. I know I can be happy no matter what but if we're making wish lists that is on the top of mine.

S.A.D.

Like the title says, this is indeed Single Awareness Day (formerly known as Valentine's Day). I have really been feeling it this year. I think my biological clock is to blame. I turned 30 in January and that was really difficult to come to grips with. Especially out in Utah where everyone is married and has 5 kids by my age. If I were anywhere else in the continental U.S., I would be a tiny bit on the late side of getting married but perfectly normal. As it stands, not being married at 30 is strange and then you factor in the whole having 2 kids thing and ya might as well sign me up for cat of the month club! Sadly, since I am allergic to cats I can't even become the classic cat lady! ugh!
   I have reached a point in my life now where the stress of the dreaded ex is lessening and Hannah is behaving so much better than she used to so I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't not had something to stress over since I was 12! Which would explain my gastritis :) I really want to finally focus on myself and getting fit and happy in every way possible! I just got my tax return back and so I got a Wii for the kids and I. I got it on Amazon.com so I was able to get the console, 2 controllers, and 4 games for $150. Yeah that's how I roll :) Anyhoo, the kids love playing Just Dance at my sister's houses so I got Just Dance 3 for us to play. It doesn't take long before I start sweating with that so I am confident that it will be great exercise for all of us!
   Speaking of exercise, Hannah started taking swimming lessons on January 4th and she absolutely LOVES them! She might be part fish but it's amazing how well she is doing in such a short amount of time. She even behaves at school in order to participate in her lessons instead of watching them if she misbehaves. I really am proud of her and I really hope she wants to join the swim team with the rec center so that she can get great friends that have a common interest :)
   Anyhoo, hopefully now that I don't have to worry about the ex and work is going better, I will be able to get control of my home too! It's just a 2 bedroom apartment but it has been like a black hole lately! The kids' room is a complete disaster but everywhere else is mostly clean (yes even my room!). I know if I strive to maintain control of myself then I will be able to make my home a haven from the nuttiness of the outside world!
   One day at a time.....