Yesterday I got a call from my Gynecologist about my blood work they did on Monday. They said my vitamin D was low and they were calling in a prescription for it and I needed to take an over the counter supplement as well. No big deal a lot of women are vitamin D deficient and it can be corrected. Then, they hit me with my a1c number: 5.7...pre-diabetic... well shit! Both my parents have diabetes, my oldest sister, and the next one in line was pre-diabetic a few months ago.

     They said I needed to make sure I changed my diet to lots of veggies, protein, and a few simple carbs and to cut out all sugar. They also said I needed to start exercising as well. All things I knew I should have been doing for years. All things that seem so simple because not following those instructions will lead to diabetes and death.

     And yet, this little voice that is CONSTANTLY going off in the back of my mind, says, "NAW it's no big deal and you can't give up the sugar you need it to survive all you're going through! If you give it up you'll never be able to deal with life and you'll die" Like literally that is what is constantly in my mind! I think about every place I have sugar or where I can get some next time I go out of the house! I think about all the juicy burgers and fries and milkshakes and all these delicious things...THAT ARE KILLING ME...and I don't care! What the hell point have I gotten to in my life that I literally want to die and am using food to do it??

     How do I start loving myself enough to make these changes in my life? How do I put my health first so that I can have a future with my babies and my hubby?? Good grief I need help! I need someone standing by my side every second of the day saying I love you and you can do this! Oh wait, I do have that!! I have a loving Heavenly Father who helped me catch this all before I became diabetic! He blessed me with a loving family and friends who look out for me and want me to succeed!! He blessed me with intelligence to be able to make this work! He blessed me with a huge helping of stubbornness that I can now use for something good instead of using it to fight everything that isn't going perfectly!

     Another blessing I've had this week is learning to open my heart back up to Heavenly Father. All growing up, I never believed that He loved me truly because of all of the abuse I dealt with when I was little. I thought I must be sooooo bad that not even God loves me enough to stop this! So that is the core belief system I had about myself. I thought I was lower than the lowest scum and there was never going to be anyone that really loved me. When I started opening up my heart to Him and trusting Him, He flooded my heart with love and peace like I haven'f felt in YEARS! He has been pouring out blessing after blessing just because I stopped rejecting them!! I was closed off to them because I thought He allowed me to be hurt. He is our Father and he LOVES us even more than we love our own children!! It's impossible to imagine that kind of love since I love my kids so damn much!! He has only ever wanted me to be healthy and happy and successful! He wants all the good things for me and all of His children! He WANTS to bless me with them but I have to be open to receive them and I have to WORK!!

     I want the blessing of good health so I have to do the work, and He will pour out those blessings on me!!

Celebrating...Everything!

    I used to think that celebrations should only be for special occasions and should ALWAYS include delicious food! Over the past few years, I have really had to work hard to change that mindset. My issues with food have given me the "excuse" to celebrate every little thing throughout the day and to use sugar to do so. Obviously, over time, this has had a very detrimental effect on my health. My low point was as I was waiting to undergo a non-stress test on my baby girl, I saw part of my chart the nurse had in her hand and by my weight they had written "morbidly obese". Those are two words no one really ever wants to see let alone see when you are about 36 weeks into your 5th pregnancy. I could, of course, make every excuse in the book as to how I got to that point but it really doesn't matter!! I was the largest I have ever been in my life and I hated myself for it. Seriously so much hate and self-loathing it was so difficult to keep sane and keep going. Thankfully I did, and I learned a whole lot about myself along the way.
 

At my heaviest, about to give birth to my 8 pound 5 ounce baby girl, I weighed 302.4 lbs. I vividly remember in high school at the end of my freshman year, weighing 194 lbs and freaking out that I was almost 200 pounds and how disgusting that was! I started watching what I was eating and made sure I was more active in my day and I got down to 174 I think. I still felt like I needed to lose more but I was proud of dropping that weight.
    After my sophomore and junior years in high school, we had a really difficult year my senior year of high school and the weight started coming back on. I don't know how much I weighed at the time but I was a size 18 and had to buy new clothes when I moved from Colorado to Utah because none of my size 16 clothes fit anymore. I finally found a job in Tooele, started college, and was trying to carve out a social life and trying to date. I had no self esteem whatsoever after years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse from my brother growing up so I was easy pickings for my ex husband.
   I endured 4 years of literal hell with him before finally filing for divorce when I was 23 years old with 2 small children. My weight had skyrocketed during that time to 254 lbs.
   Shortly after my divorce, I started working and started some pretty stupid eating habits that lead to me losing 38 pounds. That was awesome to get almost back down to the clothes I had after high school! I was soooo close and then got pregnant by a moronic ex boyfriend who said he couldn't have kids and I foolishly believed him. One of my sisters adopted that sweet baby girl because I for sure could not handle raising her on my own and she didn't deserve the lifestyle I was able to give my older two kids.
    My weight just bounced up and down for years after that. I would get going really good on exercising and eating better and INVARIABLY something would happen that would just pull the rug right out from under me! It was so bad for my depression and anxiety that I have been suicidal many times over the years.
 

This past November, after Thanksgiving, I decided to finally take the bull by the horns and just handle my business! I started with Beachbody's Ultimate Reset. It was a 21 day eating program to flush all the crap out of your system and get you eating clean. I did FANTASTIC!!! I only had one cheat meal the entire 21 days and that was because we had a work Christmas party for my husband's new job. I thought this was it! I was finally going to kick these demons in my head!! PSYCH! As soon as the program was over I used every excuse known to mankind to eat crap! At first it was just one little treat in the middle of the day which I would beat myself up emotionally for the rest of the day. Then it progressed to more and more sweets as we really got close to Christmas. Then came New Year's Eve and then my birthday and the excuses were easier and easier to come by.
    Now, tomorrow, I am starting over again. I am not making any promises that this is going to drastically change my life. What I am promising myself, is that I will follow this program to the "T" and there is nothing that is more important than my health!

Time Flying.....

I literally feel like I blinked and another year is gone! We celebrated Sam's first birthday a week ago Saturday and I am still in shock! Although, I must say, I have been able to enjoy this lil man more than I ever did with Hannah or Isaac. Not because he is better or more enjoyable, merely that I was given a stable loving home with which to nurture and delight in all of the facets of his character. He really is amazing though and I can't wait to see what he will come up with each day! He has the best sense of humor and LOVES to make everyone laugh and teases his Daddy relentlessly!

Daddy and Sam at Jaker's Pumpkin Patch 

10-21 Cutest baby in the world at Jaker's Pumpkin Patch

Babies Babies Everywhere!

At the end of June my sister and brother in law had their 4th baby! Conner Douglas is so incredibly cute and very squishy which is the best part about babies :)
   On October 21,2014, at 7:23pm, Samuel David graced us with his presence! We had a very long day of it before he finally arrived though. At about 7:30am we started pitocin to get the lovely contractions that I had been having for weeks actually doing something. Those were doing their job for a while but then around 7 or so, Sam's heart-rate started dipping down with the contractions and I wasn't dilating more than a 5 or 6, so we decided to take him out via c-section. It was a good thing we didn't wait longer because his head was actually stuck in my pelvis and the cord was wrapped around his neck so I literally would not have been able to get him out on my own. I was hoping I could but he had other plans apparently :) He was 7 pounds 7 ounces and 20 inches long and cried right away which was a great thing! He had the cutest classic baby cry with a squeak at the end!

Here I am meeting him for the first time (on the outside)! He whined at me but turned toward my voice which was so comforting since I couldn't hold him right away! In fact it was quite some time before I got to hold him cuz they had to finish stitching me up and then they waited until we were settled in our room before bringing him to me.
   The hospital stay was traumatic and hard because Sam had a really hard time nursing. He would scream like someone had cut off an appendage but then wouldn't nurse well. So, he lost 10 ounces in the hospital and then by the Monday after he was born he had lost a full pound down from his birth weight. He also had a high biliruben  count so we had to have his blood checked about 5 times I think after the hospital checked it a couple of times while we were there. By Saturday after he was born we had to use lights for him. No fun at all!!

I really think he looks like a glow worm from the 80's in that pic :)

  After the Monday weight check, we started using formula and a hand pump to keep my supply going and just pretty much fed him from the bottle. I tried a few times to get him to latch on but he would throw a huge fit 90% of the time. At his 2 week checkup, he had gained almost a pound! He was up to 7lbs 5oz so the dr ok'd me to start trying to nurse more. After that we went to WIC and I was able to see a lactation consultant and she corrected my improper hold, showed me how to get Sam to latch on properly, and he nursed really well for the first time since he was born!
   Around the beginning of November, I had my milk tested to make sure I was making enough calories and enough milk for Sam. They tested the foremilk and the hind milk and weighed Sam before eating, mid-meal, and after he was done. My fore milk was 21 calories, hind milk was 43 calories, and Sam gained almost 3 ounces from eating! So, my milk is better than formula (which is typically 20 calories) and he had plenty of supply :). I was elated!!
   On the 7th of November, my friend at Coco Portraits took some great newborn shots of Sam:

 
  Just before Thanksgiving, Sam turned 1 month old :)

He would not smile or even stop crying so I could take a quick picture :( But he had a great pose for his huge feet!

  Thanksgiving was spent with family at my sister's house and we had a wonderful couple of days with them!

 
And I will catch up with December and January next time since I think this might be the longest post EVER!!

It's Been Quite a Year!!

    Super craziness batman!! I can't believe what a difference a year can make!! Shortly after my last post, things got pretty serious with an amazing man I had known for 2 years at work! He was a cook there and I always admired how well he treated the residents and he his food was always AMAZING!! He never really seemed too interested in dating me but was always a huge flirt so I never took things seriously with him. In May he started taking the kids and I out to dinner on Mondays which was his night off. It was fun but like I said I never really took him seriously about future prospects. In July, we went out to eat by ourselves cuz a sweet lady that worked at the same place offered to watch the kids when she was supposed to come with us all. We went to Tucanos and had super delicious food and then went to a movie and sat super close but didn't really cuddle or anything. On the 6th of August, I invited him over to "help" me put my kitchen back together after the water heater broke and flooded it. He ended up taking a nap on the couch lol. In the past I would have been offended that I didn't warrant his attention but instead I felt good that he felt so comfortable in my home that he could snooze comfortably. At the time he was working 2 jobs and working in the community garden that his church owned to provide fresh vegetables for the Food and Care Coalition that feeds the homeless. So, he really deserved a nice comfy place to nap lol. The next day, he got a second degree burn at work and called me from the hospital and so I asked him to come over so I could help take care of him and get his pain prescription etc. That evening we sat on the couch and talked with a movie on the T.V. in the background and he shared a lot of his childhood with me and it made me fall head over heels in love with him! He never let his difficulties in life turn him away from Heavenly Father and he knew He had guided people into his life to help him when he needed it most! After that night we pretty much spent every minute together that we could :) We had our first kiss on August 9th and haven't stopped since lol!
    On October 1st, we went back to Tucanos for dinner and walked around the Riverwoods shopping area for a little bit then found a bench to sit on. It was under some Christmas type lights they strung across over the walkway and the sun was just starting to set. Pretty much the most romantic atmosphere ever :) That was when he asked me to be his wife and I said yes!! I knew it was coming and had prayed about it long before it got to that moment and felt that I should marry him if he asked!
   The next few months were spent with him meeting my family and making wedding preparations which were fun for the most part. We paid for everything for the wedding ourselves but had tons and tons of family support and help especially the day of!! We were married in his church on February 7th of this year and had a short but sweet ceremony. He was a lil emotional and it made me love him even more!! Of course I was awesome and tried to put his ring on the wrong hand lol! And our flower girl was super cute and forgot to put the petals down on her way to the front and put them down for our exit instead LOL! The reception was a lil disorganized  but we did do our first dance even though most of the guests had left and we got cake in each other's faces like I always wanted to do! Nothing ever goes perfectly or as planned but at the end of the day it was more important that we were married than anything else!!
    We spent the night at the Hilton downtown in SLC and then left for our honeymoon in Los Cabos, Mexico the next day! It was sooooo beautiful in Mexico and we had perfect weather the whole time we were there!! It was by far the best week of my life!!!
    A few weeks after we got back, on the 21st of February to be exact, we found out we were expecting a sweet lil baby!! We were completely over-joyed!! We had talked about having a baby right away since we aren't getting any younger and wanted to be able to really enjoy our baby and not be old farts when the baby was older!
    In May we moved in to our first home! It is amazing and perfect for us! It was built in the 50's but the inside has been completely updated and repainted in neutral colors so it is calming and wonderful! It has 5 bedrooms so Hannah and Isaac don't have to share a room ever again!! WOO HOO!! And our sweet lil baby will have it's own room too :)
  Speaking of baby, we found out we are having a boy! That made my sweet husband even more excited for his arrival! I know he would have loved his baby girl if that's what we were blessed with but I am really happy for him to have a son to carry on his last name. We are slowly but surely getting things ready for his arrival which we are anticipating on October 26th :) We have the car seat and outfit to bring him home in and that's about it lol! A lady we used to work with said she wants to throw us a babyshower though so I have been registering for the basics and some fun stuff on Amazon and Wal-Mart.com so hopefully we will have everything by the time he gets here lol!
     Well, now that we are all caught up on the major highlights, I will peace out for a bit lol hopefully more updates to come and not quite so far apart lol

Here I Go Again On My Own...

And so it begins again with the kids' sperm donor dropping off the face of the earth. He has missed the last 4 visits and only gave excuses for the first 2 he missed. I am both frustrated and relieved by this unexpected turn of events. I figured eventually he would give up and move on as is his pattern, but he has stuck with it for a lil over a year so I thought there was a slight chance he could have pulled his head far enough out of the ground to realize his responsibilities. Nope, that's not true. So now, I have to put more of a burden on my sweet family because I still have to work every other weekend. The kids are getting bounced around as we have to accommodate everyone's busy schedules and it's hard on them and on me because I get major anxiety every time they are with my family. I worry that they will become bitter about watching my kids and how their behavior can be so very awful at times and if they will in turn grow to hate their aunts and uncles and my parents for having to become authority figures in their lives. My sweet Mother was trying to reassure me today that the family loves my kids and loves to have the opportunity to provide service for one another and that it isn't a burden to watch them. I really have a hard time believing that but I really have to try and get that in my head or these gastritis attacks I've been having are going to kill my stomach.
   STRESS: yes this has been a major factor in my existence of late. I have been stressing about everything and working really hard to let things go instead of bury the emotions cuz I can't deal with any more. It's a very freeing idea but such a hard concept to apply. What does it really mean to let something go? Does it mean you never re-live that experience or does it mean that you accept that experience as a part of you that shapes the future... maybe I need to word that differently... I feel like those experiences I've had that have caused the most pain in my life, have caused me to fear certain things. For example, because of my experiences with my ex husband, I have a pretty deep seeded fear of men. I hadn't realized until now that's the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I think about dating or just texting with a guy I like. It's fear. I fear that any man I let in my life will hurt me. The truth is, I choose whether or not I am hurt. Elenor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" and that is soooooo true!!! Some one can call me every name in the book but I don't have to accept any of them as truth. A man may try and use me to make himself feel better but I choose how I let him make me feel and if I don't like anything about him, I get to choose if he remains in my life. I am not required to keep someone in that role in my life for any reason! I never have to fear dating a man and having him judge me! I am a good person and have so very much to offer in a relationship that any man would be thanking Heavenly Father for having me in their life because I LOVE to make other people happy and smile and love their life! That was a bit of a run-on sentence but I needed that affirmation! I can look forward to meeting new people and getting to know all about them :) That will put them at ease if I am confident in myself and desire to know about what makes them tic!
   I really do have so many things to be thankful for and I need to stop being so afraid!! I know that if I trust in Heavenly Father, I can bounce back from any situation and come out on top!
  Now to put all my preaching into practice and not let fear rule another minute of my life!

Who's Ready For Round Two?

   So I really thought things were getting better but here we go again! Isaac has decided that it's awesome to yell and scream and punch and kick over the smallest inconvenience he has to endure. He used to be soooo sweet and kind and gave super great hugs all the time. Now he has become evil spawn! Not quite sure what to do with him but he will continue to go to therapy and we will try and find a better solution than what we've been dealing with. I keep forgetting to pray first. I forget that Heavenly Father knows exactly what Isaac needs! As I was typing this the words Time and Love came to mind. I will have to actually pray to expound on those thoughts but those seem easy enough to give. But then I realize why Isaac would feel he isn't getting those things because we are so busy doing things for Hannah and focusing on her I am sure he feels left out. He probably figures that Hannah got all the attention she gets now by acting that way so it should work for him. I wish there was a way for him to understand that it's better to get positive attention by making good choices but any attention is still attention in his mind.
   I have also been lacking the faith that I will get married again. Every time I examine the logistics of the situation, it appears hopeless. I cannot take more time away from my kids right now to seek after a father for them but that's exactly what they need. I know that we can be a great family with just me as their mother but I also know what a difference a father would make to them. True they have a biological father but they have some deep-seeded issues with that character. They need a man who can show Isaac how to be a man that respects others and himself so that he can eventually be a husband and father. They need a father that will play games with them and show them how to play sports (cuz I suck at sports lol) and will play outside and inside rain or shine. They need a father that will love their mother and show Isaac how to treat a woman and Hannah how a woman is supposed to be treated. It's all well and good to tell them these things but they need that example in the home. And I am just flat out lonely! I love my kids but they cannot and should not try and replace that sacred relationship. I know I can be happy no matter what but if we're making wish lists that is on the top of mine.